Q I recently broke up with a guy I lived with for four years. I stayed in the house because my grandmother left it to me, and he moved in with a friend. We live in a very small town, and I wish he would move, but he says he won't, so I'm stuck seeing him everywhere. The biggest problem is that his new girlfriend says nasty things about me, and when we see each other at parties, she congregates in the corner making snide remarks. (We are still friends with the same friends, and so we occasionally see each other at social events.) I hate it. How can I get her to stop?
A More than that, how can I get you to stop? Going to parties when you know the ex and his girlfriend will be there is kind of like going to the doctor and telling him, "This hurts when I push on it." The classic response? "Quit pushing on it!" Translated, stop going to the parties! Find some new friends -- or invite the ones you really care about to your house instead of going someplace you know your ex and his new girlfriend will be. I understand staying in a small town after a break-up, particularly if you own a house, but that does not mean you are locked into the same friends or doing the same things you did when you and your ex were together. Plus, it sounds like these friends take sides -- or play both sides. Either way, doesn't sound healthy.
The first rule of good ex-etiquette when no kids are involved is, "Own your own stuff." (To clarify, there are two lists of 10 rules of good ex-etiquette -- one for parents and one for those who do not have children. Both can be found at exetiquette.com.) For you, let's consult the list for those who don't have kids. "Own your own stuff" means that if you are being catty or even responding in kind to all this immature stupidity, you are keeping the kettle boiling, so own it and stop it.
Using good ex-etiquette also means you "remain calm when confronted" (Ex-etiquette rule 2 when no kids are involved). So, if she's over in the corner acting like she's in junior high, don't let her push your buttons. Know that you can't change anyone's behavior; you can only change how you respond to their behavior. Don't participate, and odds are it will eventually stop.
Finally, do your best to not get caught up in gossip. Gossip can be debilitating if you let it get to you, and then there's a natural inclination for revenge. Revenge has a tendency to create a tit-for-tat cycle in which no one wins. Good ex-etiquette rule 5, "Don't be spiteful," applies here, not to mention good ex-etiquette rule 3, "No badmouthing." Badmouthing just perpetuates the drama and makes you look no better than those who are gossiping.
The rules of good ex-etiquette are designed to help people positively problem-solve with an ex when they have to interact after a break-up. You didn't mention that you have kids, share a house, animals or even a business -- the reasons one might continue to interact. Based on that, you're wasting your time. Time to move on.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and is the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 04/15/2015