Money Manners

DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My best friend "Chelsea" always seems to be in a financial hole, so she always expects me to pay her way whenever we do things together. I want to be generous, but I'm not exactly rich myself, and I can't keep this up. If I don't pay for Chelsea, though, she acts hurt or asks if I'm angry at her. Plus our friends seem to think I'm being cheap if I don't pick up the tab for Chelsea's martinis or whatever. How do I get out of this situation?

-- Danielle

DEAR DANIELLE: Maybe you need new friends. We're not kidding. Who needs a best friend who's a habitual sponger? And who needs a group of friends who encourage her to target you?

If Chelsea can't afford to go out, then she shouldn't go out. Honorable people expect to pay their own way in life. If your mutual friends think you're the solution to Chelsea's money troubles, then they're as big a problem as she is.

Our suggestion: Tell Chelsea and the others that you can no longer pay for two on your salary for one. Then walk away from these people if they continue to pressure you to do what they've been told you can't afford. And if you ever cross paths with another sponger, say "no" early and say "no" often -- as often as it takes to let her know she hasn't crossed paths with a spongee.

DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My uncle, who was childless, left his large estate to his many nieces and nephews. His favorite niece, "Lucy," is his executor. We don't know if she's given herself any money.

But it's been over a year since our uncle's death, and Lucy hasn't disbursed a dime to the other heirs, despite the fact that all the real estate our uncle owned has now been sold. Moreover, Lucy's been very vague in answering questions about what's going on, except to say that she's swamped at work and hasn't been able to get to things. There are several heirs who could really use their bequests, including my brother, who has lost his job. What should we do? I wish my uncle had appointed me as his executor, because I'd have the estate settled by now.

-- Unhappy Nephew

DEAR NEPHEW: Be careful what you wish for. Being the executor of an estate, especially a large estate like your uncle's, is a time-consuming job that easily can go on for years. Plus, when the executor is a relative and heir of the deceased, he or she often isn't paid for his or her effort.

Which is not to say that Lucy is entitled to capriciously withhold everyone's inheritance. Nor is she free to stonewall reasonable requests for information. If you continue to be unable to get straight answers from her, consider hiring an attorney to ask the questions for you. Sorry to say, it sometimes takes a lawyer to bring a member of the family to grace.

Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). Email them at

Questions@MoneyManners.net

Family on 04/15/2015

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