(Editor’s Note: Tammy Keith is on leave. The following column ran in July 2008. Her family is down to one television in their home now, but she still doesn’t know how to work it.)
There are four televisions in this house, and I can’t watch any of them.
The one in the living room, the big-screen hand-me-down from my brother, was hooked up to an Xbox 360 so aliens could be obliterated all night. When I got up early this morning for work, my younger son was asleep on the couch.
I came home tonight to an empty house, with all my guys gone to different places.
Various cords were still plugged into the front of the television, and when I turned it on, ready to relax with some mindless drivel, it just said “Video” on the screen. My boys know I am helpless when this happens. Every time it does, I yell their names, and one son comes to rescue me, sighing, and punching buttons that make it go back to the TV. At first, they thought they’d teach me. “Mom, look, you just push this …” My blank stare stopped them.
They don’t even lecture me anymore because they know it’s useless.
So, I went to the TV in my bedroom. I turned it on, and it also said Video. I guess my husband had been watching a movie. I started pressing random buttons on the remote, and the screen flashed all kinds of language options.
“What? No, I don’t want Spanish,” I said to no one.
I was irritated, needing a reality TV fix at that point and a good strong Diet Pepsi.
I went to my older son’s bedroom, and about 150 feet of cord was plugged into his TV, leading to the living room, where his brother had set up his Xbox 360.
The TV in my older son’s bedroom wouldn’t work, either. I couldn’t find the remote in all the stuff in his room. I even looked under the Pop-Tarts on his desk. I tried to turn the TV on manually, but no deal.
I felt like a modern-day Goldilocks, going from room to room trying to find a TV that was just right.
Frustrated, I left the house and ran an errand.
I came back, determined to figure something out, when it occurred to me that my younger son also has a TV in his room, although he only uses it for video games. Aha! I ran in there and tried to turn it on. Nothing. Then I noticed it was unplugged. That I can handle. Barely.
I found the remote among all the video-game microphones, earphones and other wired objects scattered around. A little floating box that said “No signal” came on the screen.
I went to the computer and checked all the TV websites.
When I realized I was missing The Bachelorette finale, that did it. I went into the living room and grabbed two remotes. I’ve seen my kids do it a thousand times, so I just imitated them. I punched some buttons on the remote, then on the TV, and lo and behold, it came on. I found my show and settled in.
The guy proposed, the bachelorette accepted, and I possibly learned how to work the TV by myself. I think we can all live happily ever after now.
Until I want to watch a DVD.
Senior writer Tammy Keith can be reached at (501) 327-0370 or tkeith@arkansasonline.com.