Note: Otus has a backlog of letters, so today's is a quirky quinary column.
Dear Otus,
My neighbor has dozens of garden gnomes in her backyard and I swear they're watching me. I can almost see their little beady eyes following me as I walk past.
Lately, I've noticed that they're in different places each morning. Sometimes they're in groups; sometimes they're spread out. It's very disturbing.
What's up with the creepy things? Tell me I'm not crazy.
-- Frankie Castelluccio,
Mountain Home
•••
Dear Frankie,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you.
First of all, I am not medically qualified to judge whether you are mentally impaired or not. You might try Mountain Home Psychiatric Medicine on North College Street. It's outpatient and has one genuine psychiatrist and another guy with a doctorate in counseling psychology.
Or you could pay a friend $250 to nod thoughtfully and ask, "So, how does that make you feel?" for 45 minutes.
I do, however, know a thing or two about gnomes, a mischievous ancient race that, thanks to liberal immigration policies, has spread across northern latitudes in recent decades. Three of them -- Murslev, Turen and Ogras -- guard my cairn (see photo).
If you care to read about gnomes in depth, you can go to faerie.monstrous.com, which has more than you'd care to know about gnomes, trolls, leprechauns and the gnome-like Korrigans of Brittany.
Garden gnomes are perhaps best known for being able to remain motionless for very long periods. To conserve energy, they may not move for weeks or months at a time. If you are noticing the gnomes moving about, then it may be approaching gnome mating season, or parningstid.
If that's so, you'll want to avoid your neighbor's yard during the Sept. 28 "skordemane" (spelling sans diaeresis and diacritic ring), and ignore any strange noises you may hear at night.
•••
Dear Otis,
I keep hearing about a person or a thing being taken "to the next level." Where the heck is this level?
-- Bob Gaudio,
Lake Village
Dear Bob,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you, even though you misspelled my name. You'd be surprised how often "longtime fans" do that even after I've been in the paper every week for 35 years.
"The next level" has become a banal, hackneyed phrase used by the inarticulate to describe an increased activity or a deeper, richer emotional experience. It is, in effect, an allegory with elements of the historical, moral, literal and anagogical thrown in for good measure.
"To the next level" was first used by Dante in 1318 when he wrote that he was "going to have Virgil guide me to the next level."
At the time, he was referring to Purgatory and ascending from Terrace 6 (Gluttony) to Terrace 7 (Lust), after which Dante would arrive at the Garden of Eden and continue (with the help of Beatrice) to Paradiso.
Therefore, when Kim Kardashian says, "I'm going to take my selfies to the next level," we can assume she's journeying from Pride and Envy toward Sloth and Avarice. Hope this helps.
•••
Dear Otus,
Settle a bet. What is the atomic weight of lutetium?
-- Tommy DeVito,
Batesville
Dear Tommy,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you. And thank you for spelling my name correctly.
A bet? You guys are too cool for the room.
The atomic weight for lutetium is 174.967 (1) g. And although you didn't ask, the atomic number is 71.
If you have a private stash, hold on to it or take it to Antiques Roadshow. It is exceedingly rare and a good hedge in these troubling economic times. The lanthanoids are found in xenotime, monazite and bastnaesite (the first two being orthophosphate minerals and the third is a fluoride carbonate).
If you've gotten your lutetium from monazite, be careful since it also contains thorium and yttrium which, once decomposed, are radioactive. It's pretty nasty stuff.
•••
Dear Mr. Otus,
Is the killer whale either?
-- Nick Massi, age 7,
Newport
Dear Nick,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you at such a young age.
Yes and no. The killer whale (Orcinus orca) is a vicious predator with cruel 3-inch curved teeth. It has been known to attack huge blue whales, giant squid, large sharks and small fishing boats.
But the killer whale is actually the largest member of the sweet, beloved dolphin family. Go figure.
•••
Dear Otus, I'm pretty sure my garden gnomes are plotting against me.
-- Joe Long,
Otto
Dear Joe,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you.
See the answer above and then visit Lawn Gnome Liberation Front on Facebook to learn if your gnomes are members of that outfit.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that you aren't paranoid if they're really after you.
Disclaimer
Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of
humorous fabrication
appears every Saturday. Email:
mstorey@arkansasonline.com
HomeStyle on 08/15/2015