Dear Mahatma: When you drive along our interstate highways you often see a lot of cedar trees in the medians. The trees have wonderful shapes and would make pretty Christmas trees. Is there a law that says a citizen couldn't cut down one of those trees? Doing so might even make it easier for the medians to be mowed. Can you find the answer? -- Loves Real Trees
Dear Trees: The answer is -- stop! Don't even think about this. Let us count the ways, with the help of David Nilles, a spokesman for the Arkansas Highway and Transportation Department.
First way -- these trees are state property. It's not polite to take state property. The state calls this "theft," and there are indeed laws against it.
Second way -- the trees are left in the medians in many cases to preserve the natural landscape, to act as a buffer or to help prevent erosion.
Third way -- most importantly, this is a safety matter. Cutting down trees in the median would require stopping on shoulders, something that should be done only in case of a mechanical breakdown or other emergency. Neither would it be good to have people crossing the travel lanes to cut down a tree, then dragging it back.
Mahatma: We were curious about your incorrect use of "has slud" instead of "has slid." What was your point? -- Dora
Dear Dora: The point was to be funny and colloquial. Both tend to make the writing of a column more conversational and thus more readable. Also totes adorbs.
Mahatma: Really, was slud a typo or Arkie dialect? -- Cynthia
Dear Cynthia: Use of slud was intentional. Yes, it is Arkie dialect, most famously used by James Hanna "Dizzy" Dean of Lucas, Arkansas, born in 1910 and famous as a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, Chicago Cubs and St. Louis Browns.
Dean was also a broadcaster, and famous for saying so-and-so slud into third. Slud was something more than slide, he said, and indicated great effort.
Mahatma: The past tense and past participle of slide is slid. Yes, slud is a word, a noun referencing a collapsed embankment. But it's not a verb. I also think you split your infinitive, but if Captain Kirk can split his ... . -- Avid Reader
Dear Avid Reader: Our college English handbook --dated 1972 -- tells us to avoid the awkward separation of the parts of verb phrases and the awkward splitting of infinitives. It adds that all split infinitives were once considered undesirable, but "those needed for smoothness or clarity are now acceptable."
Mahatma: I thought you were immune to the misspellings and typos in the newspaper. You can redeem yourself if you can come up with a reasonable explanation for slud in your column. -- Not You, Too!
Dear Not You: We put tens of thousands of fresh words into the newspaper each day. Forgive us for missing some. Be assured that our standards have not slud. Into third or any other base.
Vanity plate: LCNSPL8.
Mahatma@arkansasonline.com
Metro on 12/12/2015