While you were watching the SAG Awards, I was watching the Anti-Sag Awards.
And while you were watching last Sunday's ProBowl, I watched the competition where absolutely nothing in play was deflated.
Miss Universe.
After the three-hour pageant, I had some questions:
• Isn't it wonderful to witness beautiful women from all over the world come together to celebrate their cultural uniqueness ... while wearing the same long hair extensions, bleached teeth, implants and spray tans?
• Is this a pageant or The Hunger Games? After all, the "tributes" are wearing kooky theme costumes at the introduction ceremony (when will flames burst from Miss Great Britain's furry Royal Guard hat?). And everyone is super skinny.
• Despite wearing a working scoreboard, wings fashioned from 10 hockey sticks, shoulder and arm guards, a Stanley Cup on her head, a push-up maple leaf corset and goal netting around her, uh, Saskatchewan region, Miss Canada, Chanel Beckenlehner, failed to score Best National Costume. What more did she need to do? Knock out her front teeth?
• How much did Miss Indonesia, Elvira Devinamira, win for securing the evening's Best National Costume? Enough to cover the fees for checking the costume -- inspired by, and as big as, a Buddhist temple -- on a commercial flight?
• How exactly does one shoulder 200 pounds of costume on a barely 110-pound body?
• Speaking of pounds, Miss Honduras, Gabriela Ordonez, lost 40 pounds, skipping the fried plantains and arroz con leche before Miss Universe. The size-zero beauty queen told People magazine that after the pageant, "I'm sure I will eat a whole delicious cheesecake." Or, well, maybe a yucca cake. Honduras and Little Rock are officially the last two places on earth without a Cheesecake Factory.
• Where is the talent portion? Kidding.
• Can I get a translator for the Q&A portion? Actually four of them? One to articulate the question when the allegedly English-speaking judge asks it, another to explain what the heck it's supposed to mean, another to articulate what the non-English-speaking contestant says and another to explain what the heck it's supposed to mean.
• Can I get a fifth translator specifically for Miss Netherlands, who said she was an "ambassador for child prostitution." Because I'm positive I didn't quite get that. Or the part about her being locked in a cage for 12 hours with no further explanation as her "fun fact."
• Did first-runner up Miss USA, Nia Sanchez, practice for the Q&A portion by watching Sandra Bullock's pageant spoof Miss Congeniality? Her actual answer: "If I was given 30 seconds to give a message to the global terrorists, I would just say that, you know, as Miss USA I could always spread a message of hope, and peace." World peace, schmorld schmeace! We would have used those 30 seconds to sell out our competitors: "I heard Miss Jamaica, Miss Netherlands and Miss Ukraine talking about your mama. Oh, and Miss Colombia called you fat."
• Were the finalists listed in reverse order? Because people booed when crowd favorite Miss Jamaica, Kaci Fennell, (refreshing, exotic and elegant with Halle Berry-ish short hair) was named fourth runner-up, and there was shock when Miss Colombia, Paulina Vega (gorgeous and typical with -- yawn -- long tresses), won the title. Tweeted one viewer: "I half expected #Kanye to jump up on stage & take the crown from Miss Colombia and give it to Miss Jamaica. #BeautyPagentProblems."
• So perhaps this is why lovely cropped-mop Kaci lost out to the long of locks: A major sponsor of Miss Universe is CHI hair care! What would she need with the Miss Universe Style Illuminate by CHI Titanium Hairstyling Iron, Titanium Volumizing Iron, and 1 ¼ Titanium Curling Iron?
Let your hair down, email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 02/01/2015