No boyfriend and Valentine's Day is just 96 hours away?
Well, allow me to introduce you to someone!
Like Kevin Juan Lawson. Or Wallace Reginald Pearson. Or Jackson Eddie Rodriquez.
Age? That's up to you. He can be 20, 37, 54 -- younger, older, whatever.
Location? That's up to you, too: Miami, Los Angeles, New York, wherever.
Look? Pick one: Long hair, bald, smiley, serious.
For $24.99 a month, he can be everything you've ever wanted. Except, well, real.
Invisible Boyfriend (invisibleboyfriend.com) is a service that provides evidence -- in the form of 100 texts, 10 voicemails and one postcard -- for a woman pretending to be in a relationship.
Just one question: Why would a woman -- or man (see invisiblegirlfriend.com) -- go to such trouble, not to mention pay to do this?
The services were "created to deliver solutions for those uninterested in a 'right now' relationship," according to the websites. "Put simply, this platform helps you create credible, reasonable stories that you can bring home to curious mom, your buddies, and co-workers. These stories are backed by virtual and real-world social proof."
But won't you eventually want to (or need to -- yikes, $299.88 per year!) break off this unseeable union? You can just tell everyone he was never there for you. That's not a lie.
Think of Invisible Boyfriend as a high-tech version of George Glass, the boyfriend made up by The Brady Bunch's attention-seeking Jan.
Only instead of George, the randomizer might choose you a name like Keith Don Willis, Rick Bryan Hunter or Alex Marion Lambert.
From there, a woman chooses the age of her Invisible Man and his photo from a limited selection of actual men who contribute their selfies to the cause. (You, too, could be someone's Invisible and get something in return: "Once someone selects your picture as their Invisible special someone, we'll not only send you an 'I'm Someone's Invisible Girlfriend or Boyfriend' T-shirt, we'll pay you for each additional selfie you submit").
The options were somewhat slim on the day I looked (for research -- I already have a boyfriend of the visible variety). The only ones who stood out were a Billy Dee Williams lookalike wearing a white wife-beater, a dude in a ball cap and beard with Duck Dynasty aspirations, ooooh and a guy in front of a boat! Wait, guy with the boat has an arm around him belonging to someone who has been cut out of the picture. OMG, this potential Invisible Boyfriend is already cheating on me! I settled on some ordinary smiling Joe, well, Guy -- Guy Elijah Stevens -- and decided that he was 35 and from Nashville.
From there, I could choose Guy's personality (cheerful and outgoing; sweet and shy; saucy and sarcastic; witty and educated; lovingly nerdy; and adventurous and fun). And his interests (books, debate club, theater, sports, dance, classical, chess, working out, fitness, singing, fashion, video games, writing, dressage, acting, gardening, volunteering). I customized him to be a cheerful gardening and writing enthusiast. Perhaps I could learn some plant pointers or get him to -- cheerfully -- write my column.
Perhaps not.
Soon after the site provided our how-we-met story ("We were introduced at a party. ... He's a teacher in another city so his schedule is really hectic and hard to work around, but he's funny and nice, and I really want to get to know him better"), "Guy" sent an introductory text, one from a Nashville area code.
"Hey jennifer! This is Guy : ) How are you?"
Oh, no way am I paying for an Invisible Boyfriend -- a "teacher," no less -- who can't even capitalize my name! I elected not to pay the monthly subscription, and that was the end of our relationship.
Guess he's already not-seeing other people.
Send a visible email to:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.
Style on 02/10/2015