Two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
A dozen fried shrimp, a bucket of original recipe KFC, fries and a pound of strawberries.
Two chicken-fried steaks; a triple bacon cheeseburger with gravy and onions; fried okra with ketchup; three fajitas; an omelet of cheese, ground beef, tomatoes, onions, bell peppers and jalapenos; a meat-lover's pizza; a pint of ice cream; peanut butter fudge with crushed peanuts; and three root beers.
These are not indulgences to break New Year's resolutions.
They are the last meal requests of death-row inmates.
Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh ordered the ice cream in 2001. Serial killer and former KFC manager John Wayne Gacy requested the fried-and-fruit combo in 1994.
The last of those last meals -- a family-size feast for a week -- was ordered in 2011 by white supremacist/murderer Lawrence Russell Brewer of Texas, who then refused to eat it, prompting Texas to ban special meal requests. It was the last of all last meals in the Lone Star State.
I got to thinking about last meals when Teresa Giudice -- table-flipper of Real Housewives of New Jersey fame -- became a Real Prisoner of Connecticut last week, beginning her term at the minimum-security Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury (notable alumnae: "Queen of Mean" Leona Helmsley; singer Lauryn Hill; and Piper Kerman, author of Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women's Prison).
Teresa was only sentenced to 15 months -- wait, now just 13 (already reduced by two months, congratulations to her and to the Bravo network, which can resume filming of Housewives sooner) -- in the clink for bank, mail, wire and bankruptcy fraud. Her husband, Joe, will begin his 41-month sentence when she is released.
Thirteen months, times 30 (days) -- that's 390 long days.
So surely Teresa, the large-living foodie who has co-authored three cookbooks, would have something fabulous -- er, Fabulicious! -- as her final meal before reporting to the pen.
Like Sexy Chickpea Chard Stew from Fabulicious! Fast & Fit: Teresa's Low-Fat Italian Recipes. Followed by Happy To See Me Chocolate Salami from Fabulicious! Teresa's Italian Family Cookbook. Washed down with a whole lot of Homemade Limoncello from Skinny Italian, and perhaps a bottle of Fabellini, Giudice's line of bellini-based sparkling wine in peach and raspberry.
Instead, Teresa's final moments of freedom were spent in an early morning stop at a joint called Elmer's Diner in Danbury (full menu at elmersdiner.com).
Elmer's inventory spans nearly one dozen pages, offering everything from omelets and Belgian waffles (served with fruit or ice cream or even fried chicken), to Greek and Tex-Mex specials. Why, there's even a Little Italy section, with fried calamari, manicotti and three kinds of Parmigiana.
Teresa's splurge, as captured by the paparazzi?
A fried egg sandwich ($1.95).
Now it's possible it could have featured bacon or sausage or ham ($3.10) that we didn't see. Maybe she even sprung for the two-egg Western Sandwich ($4.15).
Still, a fried egg sandwich? Is there anything more boring than that?
Well, the egg whites on a roll ($3.05). Please tell us, Teresa, you didn't! You at least had a yolk, right?
Had I been in Teresa's fraudulently acquired designer shoes -- knowing I wouldn't have to face the public or fit into anything besides a uniform of elastic-waist khaki pants, a poly-blend button-down shirt and steel-toed work boots for more than a year -- I would have had: chocolate chip pancakes, a side of bacon, a Reuben, a blue cheese burger and sweet potato fries. For my appetizer.
Then I'd want jalapeno poppers, a medium-rare rib-eye, a gyro with extra tzatziki and a chocolate chip cookie sundae. And a Diet Coke. And a slice of pie and an egg cream for the road.
It's like Teresa (or more likely her co-writer) wrote in Skinny Italian: "My mother, who never dieted a day in her life, used to shake her head and say, 'Think of those poor women on the Titanic who refused dessert!' In other words: life is short; pass the cannoli."
It doesn't appear Elmer's of Danbury has cannoli, but something on the menu might come close.
Pass the "Ethnic Desserts" ($4.65).
Keep it Real, email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.
Style on 01/13/2015