I think we all know the importance of relieving pressure. Anyone who's ever shaken up a can of soda before handing it to a "friend" (not that any of us kind and gentle souls would ever pull such a mean prank) can testify to that.
So it is with snarkasm, at least for me. Every so often I have to bleed off some snarky comments to make sure there's no disaster akin to Sharknado (or its sequels ... why, dear God, why???) ... guess that'd be a snarknado--still biting involved, but only in the humor.
Once again I offer some answers I really shouldn't to readers' questions. As usual when it comes to these, I won't name names. That'd just be mean.
Dear Irony-Challenged,
Thank you for your dare to print your diatribe to prove that we at the paper aren't cowards, but I'm afraid we must decline. I'm sorry you believe that means that we just don't have the guts, but we do have very good reasons for turning you away.
First of all, the word limit for letters is an average of about 250 words (based on inch count and the general number of words that fit in that space); for guest columns, it's about 800 words. Your piece ... well, let's see ... four full pages and a little runover onto a fifth, in smaller-than-average text makes that ... yeah, I'm not even about to try to count this. Suffice it to say that it would likely take up at least half a page, and that's just not happening. Perhaps you might try our advertising department.
Then there's your mandate that it not be edited other than to correct spelling and punctuation errors. Not even our paid writers get that privilege. Everyone (and I do mean everyone) needs an editor, and anyone who can't admit that ... should probably not write. I know of no one who is a good judge of his or her own writing, and having a fresh set of eyes helps ensure that you don't make a fool of yourself. Yes, I know, I make a fool of myself too, but I'm paid for it.
I won't even get into the trotting out of tired old memes since we all do that occasionally. The kicker for me is that the person who called us newspaper folk cowards (drum roll, please) ... didn't sign his name.
Way to stand up for what you believe in! I'd shake your hand, but I have no idea who you are.
Dear Mr. Always-Right,
Always a pleasure to hear from you about your belief that conservative letters don't get printed any more. Again, however, I must remind you that they are indeed published, as long as they don't contain falsehoods stated as fact (same rule as everybody else). Some writers have figured out that attribution or clearly stating that this is what you believe can go a long way toward getting some perhaps questionable tales in.
Perhaps what's confusing you is the appearance of more liberal and moderate letters on the page than were once printed, since now many people who'd been hectored off the page or were simply afraid to write in now are letting themselves be heard. Or maybe it's just that you're now finding out that not everyone believes as you do. I know that you and some of your compatriots believe I censor conservative voices by fact-checking (a notion that cracks me up every time I read that comment), but if what you say is true, you should have no reason to fear independent, nonpartisan fact-checkers.
So I can only assume ...
Dear Quotaholic,
"Thank you" for your "impressive" use of quotes and quotation marks in your "submissions." Stephanie and I truly "appreciate" the added work from looking up quotes that often turn out to be paraphrases, misquotes, "creative" reinterpretations based on your views rather than what was said, or a bunch of random words and phrases thrown together. Then there are the quotes from people who didn't say those words (if you're going to make quotes up, at least attempt to get the patois of the person correct).
Here's the rule on quotes for journalists and nonjournalists: A quote is just what someone said (and attributed to the correct person). It's not rearranged to flow better or edited in such a way as to imply a meaning different than that meant by the speaker. Paraphrases don't take quotation marks, do need attribution, and most definitely should be an accurate representation of the meaning ascribed by the speaker, so don't give context short shrift.
And please, cool it on the unnecessary quotation marks. All those air quotes are giving me a headache.
Why, yes, the heat is still making me cranky. Even though I might melt if someone threw a bucket of water on me, I'd be more than happy for that bit of coolness right now.
On the bright side, I've released a good bit of snarkasm, so I think I'll sleep well. At least till the next day with a 100-plus-degree heat index ... so tomorrow, I guess.
Dang it.
------------v------------
Assistant Editor Brenda Looper is editor of the Voices page. Read her blog at blooper0223.wordpress.com.
Editorial on 07/22/2015