Thanks to the sudden re-appearance of winter in a less-than-supporting role last Friday, I got to enjoy the magic of complete and total gridlock.
That's the sort of gridlock where you sit in your car for hours, not going anywhere while you burn off an entire tank of gas. Parents of middle school students are somewhat familiar with this. However, just to be clear, true gridlock requires that you've actually made it out of your driveway. Also, a requirement is that you be stuck in traffic, not waiting for someone to find his backpack, science project or left shoe.
Being a less-than-willing participant in The Day That Northwest Arkansas Stood Still (or as it's referred to in any major U.S. city, "Friday afternoon"), gave me lots of time to think. And as we all know, no good can come of that.
Since my earlier discussion of what to do during the winter was so helpful (well, to me, anyway. I can't imagine what that kind of venting would cost me if I were doing it to a therapist), I'm following up with Things To Do and Think About While You're Stuck in Traffic During a Snowstorm:
• Made it out of the parking lot at my office. Only took 20 minutes. Frankly, under normal circumstances, you could have pushed the car out faster.
• Thanks to whoever invented XM/Siri/whatever that thing is, you can listen to literally hundreds of radio stations, all but three of which play hip hop. You settle on classic rock, for no good reason. You realize you haven't really listened very closely in a while, but you're pretty sure you just heard Robert Plant sing, "and as we wind on down the road, I should have taken Oreos." You decide that's probably not correct. Google it. "Our shadows taller than our souls" is actually what he sang. You realize that, like most of your childhood, makes absolutely no sense. You decide you like the Oreos version better. You sing it. Loudly. Because, in a traffic jam, no one can hear you mangle Led Zeppelin.
• You decide the winter landscape is an allegory for the bleakness of the human condition. You realize you're channeling every Russian novel you were compelled to read in college. You also begin to understand why, regardless of how full every other class was, there was always an open seat in Russian literature.
• Burning question of the day: Is it "you take one down and pass it around," or "if one of the bottles should happen to fall."? Google it. "You take one down ... ." You feel just a little bit smarter now.
• OK, so here's a "chicken and the egg" thought: Are we gridlocked because all the cars going east and west are locking things up, or because the cars going north and south are? We may never know. Or move.
• Winter version of, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity?" Wind chill. Really? Like I need to know it actually feels colder than every sign in Northwest Arkansas says it is? When you can't blink because your eyeballs are frozen, does it really matter that it's 17 but feels like 12?
• "B-I-NGO, B-I-NGO, B-I-NGO and Bingo was his name, oh!"
• Over the course of an hour, you make about four carry-out food orders. You cancel all of them when you realize you actually haven't moved an entire city block. Yep, a key concept in carry out is actually being able to make it to the restaurant to, you know, carry it out.
• "I'll have a blue, blueblueblue Christmas without you." Seriously, I have no idea where that came from. Boredom is truly terrifying.
• The only thing that keeps me going (and "going" is relative here)? The knowledge that my family is waiting for me at home and, if I can just make it, I'll soon(?) be basking in the warmth of their love. OK, that and Season 3 of "House of Cards" has just been released. But the "warmth, love" thing is really important, too. As long as they're quiet while Frank Underwood is being evil.
Now I realize that, just because it's always happened in the past is no guarantee that it will happen in the future, but it seems likely this winter will, in fact, end. And when it does, we'll have an entire new gridlock situation to worry about. So, coming soon, "Things To Do and Think About While You're Stuck in Line at the Carwash, Because It's Still Too Cold To Stand Outside with a Hose."
Gary Smith is a recovering journalist living in Rogers.
Commentary on 03/06/2015