Spin Cycle

You can't overdo leopard print, and other life lessons

This photo provided by Fox shows, Taraji P. Henson as Cookie, in a scene from the special two-hour ìDie But Once/Who I Amî Season Finale episode of "Empire," airing Wednesday, March 18, 2015, (8:00-10:00 p.m. ET/PT) on Fox. (AP Photo/Fox, Chuck Hodes)
This photo provided by Fox shows, Taraji P. Henson as Cookie, in a scene from the special two-hour ìDie But Once/Who I Amî Season Finale episode of "Empire," airing Wednesday, March 18, 2015, (8:00-10:00 p.m. ET/PT) on Fox. (AP Photo/Fox, Chuck Hodes)

I've said before that all I really need to know I learned on Temptation Island. And then Love Cruise. And then The Bachelor. And then The Anna Nicole Show. And then The Bachelorette. And then Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica.

And then The Simple Life. And then America's Next Top Model. And then Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Model Search. And then MTV's Power Girls. And then Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. And Dancing With the Stars.

And then American Idol. And then Victoria Beckham: Coming to America. And then MTV's Pageant Place. And then Project Runway. And then Rock of Love. And then Top Chef. And then the Duggars' 19 Kids and Counting. And The Real Housewives of Atlanta. And then Celebrity Apprentice. And then Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. And then Jersey Shore. And then The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And then Mob Wives. And then Couples Therapy. And Big Ang.

But all I really need to know I learned from Season One of Fox's Empire, which concluded with a two-hour finale Wednesday (warning for would-be future binge-watchers: Contains spoilers!):

• You are not your disease. Just because you have ALS, like Empire Entertainment's CEO Lucious Lyon, doesn't mean you can't make the most of the three years you've been given. You can still commit insurance fraud while taking your company public, argue with your sons and your ex-wife, kill a man, get engaged, cheat, start projects, quit projects, almost get shot and fight with actor Judd Nelson (who plays jerky music mogul Billy Beretti and looks quite a bit older than he did in the days of The Breakfast Club, which -- brace yourself -- celebrates its 30th anniversary this year. You are not your disease ... or your rapidly advancing age either.)

• Your past doesn't define you. Just because you've been jailed for 17 years after taking the fall for a drug deal gone bad (like Cookie) doesn't mean you can't bounce back. Why, in just a few short weeks, you can bully yourself into your family/former company, manage various musical careers, encourage sibling rivalry, testify in court, have someone you mistake as a stalker killed, exchange barbs with model Naomi Campbell, outwit your ex-husband's new love, get back with your ex-husband, get disgusted with your ex-husband and then get with your ex-husband's bodyguard. All this while dealing with singer Courtney Love (who guest stars as a most convincing junkie -- maybe your past does indeed define you).

• There's no such thing as too much of a good thing. Like leopard print. Be like Cookie, wear a REDValentino leopard print knit dress, a Christian Louboutin horsehair purse, matching Louboutin pumps. And because that's just not enough, top it all off with a leopard-print Philip Treacy hat.

• Loose lips sink ships. But they get great ratings. In spite of the fact that no one on the musically and dramatically engaging show can lip-sync worth a darn, we're still watching and singing "Drip drop, drip drippity drop."

• Consider alternative medicine. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder and at a breaking point? In a manic moment, flush your pills down the toilet, like Andre. Your brothers will sing "Lean on Me" with you in the elevator and all will be magically all right until the next commercial break. And when you get committed, you'll get to be kissy with music therapist Jennifer Hudson.

• Be yourself. Your father -- the one who dumped you, his son, in a trash can as a child when you wore high heels -- won't accept your homosexuality? Come out to the world, like Jamal, at a massive industry white party. Your father still won't accept it, but at least he won't deck you publicly and risk getting blood on his white outfit.

• Honor your daddy ... or your kinda-sorta baby's daddy. If you, like Jamal, are a gay man, marry a woman at your father's insistence and then later -- after the brief, uncomfortable marriage -- learn you have a child. No wait, it's -- gasp! -- really your ruthless father's child; he slept with your beard of a wife. And now, because your family wasn't dysfunctional enough, your sorta-kinda step-child is also your half-baby-sister.

• Make friends in high places. Not only did Snoop Dogg, Jennifer Hudson, Rita Ora, Juicy J and Patti LaBelle star in the finale, show creator Lee Daniels says more notables like Oprah and Common will appear next season, when the Empire strikes back.

Be a smart Cookie. Email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.

Style on 03/22/2015

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