DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My wife thinks my ex-wife is dead, but in fact my ex is still alive. I only told my wife she was dead because when we began dating, "Nicole" was extremely jealous that I'd been married before. The problem is, I owe my ex $1,000, and she's tracked me down and is asking for the money (I moved away after we divorced). I can afford to pay her now, but there's no way I can take that kind of money out of our savings account without Nicole noticing. What should I do?
-- Cringing
DEAR CRINGING: How about telling your wife the truth? It won't be any fun, but it's your only honorable option. Not that we can see any dishonorable options that would keep you out of trouble. You may call yourself "Cringing," but the fact is you're caught.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My daughter "Madison" is turning 17 soon, and to celebrate, my husband and I decided to treat her and her boyfriend "Hector" to a weekend with us in New Orleans (Hector would have his own room, and we are happy to pay for his trip, since we know his parents can't afford to). To my surprise, Hector's mother told me she isn't allowing him to go. She also asked that we no longer treat Hector to meals out with our family. I honestly don't see what the problem is, do you? It's not like we're taking him to places his parents would disapprove of.
-- J.S.
DEAR J.S.: If you can't see why his parents would object, you need to have your eyes examined. Everything in your letter suggests that you are spending money on Hector at a level that his parents can't afford to reciprocate. How do you think that makes them feel? Also, while we don't doubt your heart is in the right place, your actions may be making Hector feel like a charity case, and could even lead him to feel ashamed of his family's circumstances (remember, he's young). But even if Hector is nothing but thrilled by your largesse, that doesn't change the fact that what he should be enjoying when he's with Madison is the pleasure of her company, not the luxe lifestyle of her parents.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: My father died 15 years ago, and his trust called for everything he owned to be divided equally among my sister, my brother and me. Dad's principal asset was a large piece of farmland. I was looking forward to the money from it, but my older brother, "Rob," who's the trustee of the trust, decided not to sell. He believed we were going to make a bundle on the property once a new highway brought commercial development to the area. Well, the highway was never built, and the 2008-09 recession crushed land values in the area. Rob still believes we're going to make a killing by holding on to the property. But I'm starting to think that Rob doesn't know so much about real estate and that we ought to sell. What do you think?
-- Cranky
DEAR CRANKY: We think it's time you hired a real estate expert or two to evaluate the prospects for that piece of land. If what they have to say convinces you that there's no compelling reason to hold on to the property, your next stop should be a lawyer to find out what options exist for forcing Rob to sell it. Not that you want to get into a legal spat with your brother; hopefully, with the help of the experts' reports, you can persuade him to put the land on the market. But if he refuses to listen, it would help to know if you can tell him, "You know, that's not entirely your decision to make."
Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz are the authors of Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check? Dealing With All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends (Free Press, 2008). Email them at
Questions@MoneyManners.net
Family on 03/25/2015