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Commentary: College tours can be unnerving for rookies

College tours can be unnerving for rookies

If you didn't go to the beach or the slopes this spring break, chances are good you participated in one of the other rites of parenting, namely the college tour. That's the annual schlep to any and every institution of higher learning your offspring is interested in attending.

This can be a nerve-racking experience if you've never done it, so as a hardened combat veteran of college tours who has already embarked on the latest, and, allegedly, last round, I feel qualified to help you out. What follows is Every College Tour You'll Ever Be On. You can thank me later.

"Hi there! I'm Mandy Candy Sandy Madison Mason Dixon Abbey Abby Abbie, and, since being excited isn't excited enough, I'm super-excited to be showing you around campus today!

"We're going to be taking you on about a 16-mile trek through the length and breadth of our campus. But don't worry, we haven't lost any yet. By yet, I mean, today. Last week, ehhhh ... We'll be going in and out of buildings, over sidewalks and bridges and all around the dorms before we end up back here and you all get a piece of cheese. With the university crest on it! And we're walking and walking and walking ...

"On your left and right are our classrooms, which are in a bunch of buildings named after people who donated considerable portions of their hard-earned money to this institution just so they could swell with pride that their names were on a school. And so students could promptly shorten those names into something goofy and potentially, profane. And we're snickering and walking ...

"Speaking of parking, did you find a place? Great! Don't get used to it. To park on our campus, you have to buy a parking pass, which is, basically, more expensive than your car. That will entitle you to hunt for one of the five parking places that aren't reserved for faculty, administration, staff, delivery, construction, VIPs, alumni who have made sizable contributions or prospective students.

"But that's OK, because most students bike around campus anyway. So, to do that, you'll need to buy a bike pass which costs only slightly less than your parking pass. Remember, in the classroom you're a student. Everywhere else, you're a revenue stream! And, we're, definitely, walking ...

"This is the Student Health Center. They'll take care of all your medical needs there. What they won't do is sign off on your explanation to your parents as to exactly what transpired that would require you to seek medical treatment. That would be the College of Creative Writing, which, ironically, is just across the street. And, we're not limping, we're walking ...

"While on the tour, please watch out for bikers, skateboarders, jacked-up four-wheel drive monster trucks that are totally useless on a college campus, sports cars being driven by young people with only the slightest idea how to operate a stick shift and who are texting anyway, walkers, runners, joggers, the occasional conga line, the floats that got lost during homecoming and have been wandering the campus ever since, a club that spontaneously re-enacts scenes from 'The Hobbit,' our free-range squirrels and the odd moped. And, we're looking both ways and walking ...

"This is your dorm room. It features free cable, free wi-fi, linen service, has the trash taken out every day, regardless of whether school is in session, and the bathroom cleaned once a week. Question from a parent in the back? No, you don't get to move in. But yes, it is great you already have a roommate. Though I bet that elbow in the ribs means she doesn't appreciate being referred to as a "bunkie." And we're shaking our heads and walking ...

"This is what passes for the cafeteria now. We have roughly 3,000 food plan options, most of them more complicated than cold fusion. We feature menu choices that are gluten free, lactose free, cage free, vegetarian, vegan, culture- and religion-centric, chemical free, high energy, locally grown farm-to-table and additive free. As I understand it, it's possible to order a hamburger and French fries. I mean, sure ...

"Also, our dining areas are open 24/7, so you can grab an organic burrito and kale chips on the way back to your room at 2 in the morning when you've been 'studying' off campus. And we're winking and walking ...

"That is the library. It has something in it called 'books.' I, personally, have never seen them, since all the texts and most of the classes are online. This, of course, doesn't mean you won't be spending less on course material, since you (well, actually your parents) have to buy software and downloads and a "wee, look at me, I just launched the Mars Rover" laptop. And we're scratching our heads about ancient technology and walking ...

"And so we've reached the end of our tour -- water is on the right, defibrillator on the left. We hope we've been able to give you a better idea of where your child and your money (but mostly your money) will be spending the next four-ish years (accent on the "ish"). And if you want to get your parking validated, your free T-shirt and a shot at those gluten-free, cage-less chicken nuggets at the Student Union, you better get walking, walking ... "

Gary Smith is a recovering journalist living in Rogers.

Commentary on 03/27/2015

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