What's in a Dame?

Face it: How-Old in need of makeover

How-Old.net guesses age based on an uploaded photo, as shown in this screen capture of the columnist’s logo photo.
How-Old.net guesses age based on an uploaded photo, as shown in this screen capture of the columnist’s logo photo.

Oh, to be 30 again!

And now I can be, thanks to How-Old.net. At least when it's not saying I'm 49. Grrr.

How-Old.net is a Microsoft robot app that guesses -- using sciency face detection and high-tech algorithms and such -- one's age and gender based on a photo. Upload a picture and it produces a number and a male or female symbol in the yellow bubble above an individual's head. (Microsoft, stop while you're ahead. No How-Fat.net, please.)

When it guesses younger, it's a delight.

When it guesses correctly, it's a slight. (Who really wants to look her age?)

And when it guesses older, well, it's a fight. (I am not seven years older than the friend who is 10 years older than I am, OK, you stupid H.O.! That is, after all, How-Old's initials!)

The application, which refers to itself as a demo, is eager to apologize for any inaccuracies -- more like indignities -- offering this caption below each photo: "Sorry if we didn't quite get the age and gender right -- we are still improving this feature."

I hope they don't improve it too much. After all, it guessed I was younger -- by four to 14 years -- in most of my photos. Interestingly enough, the ones without makeup often were deemed more youthful than the ones in which I thought I had all my creases and crow's feet concealed.

Take my column photo. How-Old.net guessed age 30. I was several years older than 30 when the column photo was taken by long-suffering staff photographer Rick McFarland. And that was a few years ago (newspaper pictures are like license pictures; if they're not entirely hideous, you're in no hurry to change them. And neither is Rick, bless him). So what age does that make me? I'll never tell. You do the vague Common Core math for yourself.

The app has been a source of elation but also frustration for friends too.

Said one female friend in her early 40s: "Depending on the pic, I spanned 14 (no makeup) to 34."

Said another in her mid-40s: "That app is not at all kind to me. Or, I guess maybe I should say time has not been kind to me."

"Apparently I am a 69-year-old man!" said a mid-to-late-40-ish friend. Who happens to be a woman. As if that wasn't spirit-crushing enough, it presumed she was 23 years older than her fiance, who is actually several years older than she.

Obviously the technology is far from fail-proof. But it is fun to fiddle with. I downloaded Facebook profile photos of well-known Arkansas types to see How-Old.net's findings.

How-Old thought Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton (age 67) looks only 51. Perhaps Chipotle is age-defying?

Meanwhile, the app put her husband, former President Bill Clinton (age 68), at age 72. As for other past/present Arkansas governors, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee (age 59) was thought to be 66. Careful there, Gov. Asa Hutchinson (age 64). How-Old might only think you're 56 now, but that office apparently ages people.

Music makes one young, at least in the case of country singer Justin Moore (age 31), guessed to be 27. Then again, former American Idol winner Kris Allen is only be 29, but the app guessed he's 36.

Sports might be a fountain of youth. Razorbacks head football coach Bret Bielema, age 45, scored (see what we did there?) an age-appropriate 44 from How-Old. And Derek Fisher, coach of the New York Knicks, is 40, but passes (see what we did there?) for 35.

Women as a whole represent (read: hide) their age better. How-Old confirmed that actress Mary Steenburgen is reverse-aging. She's 62, but the app guessed she's a mere 27. The app also thought Little Rock-born comedian Sheryl Underwood of The Talk was 27, when she's 51. Wait, these women look younger than I do?

So much for feeling good about looking "30."

How-Old do I feel now?!

Come of age and email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.

Style on 05/12/2015

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