Spin Cycle

High notes see a crest; fallen Idol is recalled

American Idol, starring judges (from left) Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez and Harry Connick Jr., will go off the air after its 15th season next spring.
American Idol, starring judges (from left) Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez and Harry Connick Jr., will go off the air after its 15th season next spring.

Last week the 14th season of American Idol closed, with (fill in the blank) being crowned and covered in confetti before belting out a corny coronation song.

That's probably what happened. We went to print before a winner was chosen. It was some guy named Nick, some guy named Clark, or some guy named Jax.

Oops, sorry, Jax is a gal.

It's not like I've recently watched a second of the singing competition, which launched the careers of stars like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Jennifer Hudson. The last time it held my interest was the season Kris Allen won, but only because he was from Arkansas. I did tune in for the season Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey were judges, but only for the cat fights.

I'm hardly the only one who has tired of the wannabe Whitney Houstons, auditions of the tone-deaf and delusional, host Ryan Seacrest's dramatic pauses, the forced theme weeks, the merry-go-round of judges and Randy Jackson's gibberish (oh, he left last year?).

The show averaged more than 31 million viewers in its heyday, when Jackson, Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul were on the panel and it was the only show of its kind. But this season -- blame cast changes, competition, a failing music industry and general fatigue -- it averaged 11 million, not enough to justify those costly Idol celebrity salaries.

Fox announced last week -- just days before the season finale (no doubt to boost nostalgia and ratings) -- that it's pulling the plug on Idol. Seacrest and judges Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez and Harry Connick Jr. will return in January for Season 15, but then -- as the ol' Idol Hollywood Week cliche goes -- it's "the end of the road."

Here are the top 10 things we'll remember/miss about Idol:

  1. Cowell's insults. Sure, he left after the 2010 season, but we'll never forget commentary like "I don't know what cats being squashed sound like in Lithuania, but I now have a pretty good idea."

  2. Judges Ellen DeGeneres and Steven Tyler. Actually we didn't remember until we were reminded while reading about Idol's demise. And Kara DioGuardi? No recollection whatsoever.

  3. William "She Bangs" Hung. Keith "Like a Virgin" Beukelaer. Larry "Pants on the Ground" Platt. Idol's rejects were regularly more remarkable than its victors.

  4. Collard Greens. Gumby. Bunny. Top Hat. Mushroom. Finger Licking' Good. Ladybug. Little Marshmallow. Minaj had the best nicknames for contestants. Until show producers gave her this nickname: "Former judge."

  5. Sanjaya Malakar (2007) and his fauxhawk. Does he still have that goofy hair? If his picture on Twitter is an indication, the now 25-year-old doesn't have any hair.

  6. "Yo!" "Check it out, dawg!" "Dude, I'm just keepin' it real, dawg." "I don't know, dawg, it sounded a little pitchy, dawg." "You know what I'm saying, dawg?" No, Randy Jackson, we never knew what you were saying.

  7. "Do I Make You Proud?" the coronation song of undeserving winner Taylor Hicks. And we wish we could forget it.

  8. David Cook. Lee DeWyze. Candice Glover. Wait who? Maybe we won't miss them. But we'll miss the party game we've created about them: "Most Forgettable Idols."

  9. Judge Paula Abdul's memorable musings and meltdowns, oddities and outbursts, slurring and sniveling (ooh and her train wreck of a reality show Hey Paula! on Bravo) that we always theorized were fueled by whatever she was sipping from that plastic sponsor Coke cup. The good thing is she probably can't remember a thing.

  10. Brian Dunkleman. It's not that we'll miss him, but rather the comedian/actor has been missing since Season 1 when he, in possibly the worst career decision ever, left his co-hosting position to pursue acting (how did that work out?). Like with the forgotten Idols, we'll always remember him for not being remembered.

Don't be idle, email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.

Style on 05/17/2015

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