It was simple math that led Simple Minds to perform at last week's Billboard Music Awards, after being introduced by actress Molly Ringwald.
The Breakfast Club -- the coming-of-age-in-the-1980s movie about kids from different cliques bonding during school detention -- and its anthem, Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)," are 30 years old.
Which means you are 30 years older than the first time you laughed when cool rebel John Bender cracked at pathetic old Principal Vernon, "Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"
Which means you probably now identify more with poor Principal Vernon (with or without the Manilow clothes) and less with that bully Bender and those other ill-behaved brats -- even if you'd rather not admit it.
Could The Breakfast Club, written, directed and produced by the late John Hughes, be made for modern times? We imagine Hollywood studio types have toyed with this question all week. And they probably came up with the same answer that an electronic greeting from someecards.com (slogan: "When you care enough to hit send") already did: "If The Breakfast Club took place today, all those kids would just be silently texting about their s* Saturday and never make friends with each other."
Still, we'll do our best to attempt a modern recasting:
John Bender (the "criminal," played by Judd Nelson): Justin Bieber. Bad attitude? Check. Dresses like a hobo? Check. Fondness for illicit substances? Check. Instead of marijuana, Bieber's Bender would introduce fellow detentioners to the codeine cocktail known as "sizzurp."
Brian Johnson (the "brain," played by Anthony Michael Hall): Kyle Massey. He's known for his Disney Channel stints and emerging as a Dancing With the Stars runner-up. Oh, and Massey is known for having Justin Bieber's friend Lil Twist break into his home, beat up his brother and steal his property. Tabloid stories about tensions on the set ought to be juicy.
Allison Reynolds (the "basket case," played by Ally Sheedy): We'd say Lindsay Lohan, after all, but in true basket-case form she's busy trying to finish up a ton of last-minute community service hours so as not to get in trouble with the courts. Again. We'll give this role -- and the can of Parmesan cheese (what was used to make Allison's "dandruff" snow onto her drawing) to Amanda Bynes. And if she's not emotionally available, maybe Miley Cyrus.
Claire Standish (the "princess," played by Molly Ringwald): Taylor Swift. Already the pretty, perfect, prom-queen type, Taylor wouldn't have to do much acting -- a good thing. Taylor acting surprised when she wins yet another award is never all that convincing.
Andrew Clark (the "athlete," played by Emilio Estevez): Taylor Lautner, the werewolf from the Twilight series, because he's brawny and totally believable as a stupid (ooh, and maybe shirtless?) jock. And because he once dated Taylor Swift (drama!). And because he apparently has nothing else to do, as we don't recall seeing him since the twilight of the Twilight series.
Plot: In this version of The Breakfast Club, the detention-serving students -- as punishment for using devices in class -- must turn in their phones/smart watches/tablets/laptops and actually talk to each another. They realize they have forgotten how to communicate without using screens, emoji and hashtags. And so they just eat breakfast (unlike the first version where they -- go figure -- only eat lunch like sushi and "PB&J with the crusts cut off"). Product placement brought to you by Apple, Samsung, Dunkin' Donuts, General Mills and Keurig.
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Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.
Style on 05/24/2015