What's in a Dame

If Wives are happy, less power to them

Tara Furman's marriage to Tim wasn't working out.

"I don't know if we really even liked each other," the North Carolina mother of two tells the camera. "And something had to change because I was at the end of my rope."

So she prayed.

"I just went to my knees and begged God to change my husband," she says. "I just really heard -- in the quiet of my heart -- I was the one who needed to change, not him. And then I got mad at God because I was thinking, uh-uh, I'm not the one who needs to change. He needs to change.

"But God was right."

Her transformation led to a better relationship. And to this special that aired on TLC last week: Submissive Wives' Guide to Marriage.

Gulp. Certainly the independent-minded feminists among us are cringing at the "S-word." Even the more traditional, Bible-minded among us (Ephesians 5:22: "Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do the Lord") might find it challenging to embrace.

Still, I'm inclined to give Furman, who appears to be a stay-at-home mother, my attention, at least for the next 42 minutes and 34 seconds -- even if her "secrets" sound like that 1950s Housekeeping Monthly "Good Wife's Guide," circulating via email for years. Her marriage has lasted 20 years, which is much longer than any of my relationships.

"Submission is one of the greatest gifts that God has given to [women]. I have a joyful home because I am a submissive wife," she says, adding that a wife's "job description is to help her man, serve her man, submit to man and sleep with her man. ... If you are a strong woman, you can submit to your man."

And she means in all ways at all times and in all places, from the kitchen (where she always has Tim's morning coffee and evening appetizers ready) to the bedroom.

"Anyone in America, if her husband is grumpy the very first question she needs to ask herself is 'When is the last time I slept with my man?'" Tara says. "It's wrong to deprive my husband of sex, so I am always available, even if I'm not feeling it, even if I'm not in the mood. I get myself in the mood, yeah, girlfriend."

Husband Tim seems perfectly fine with this dynamic -- what guy wouldn't be?

But Tim points out that men must keep up their end of the submissive marriage bargain: "For her to submit to you, you've got to give her something to submit to. You can't just sit around and be a worthless piece of whatever ... you've got to give her something that she can respect and love."

It's a more concise version of lesser-quoted Bible verses, Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church" and Ephesians 5:28: "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

Tara, who claims she used to be very selfish, says she's pleased with their arrangement: "I know that if he's happy, I'm going to be happy."

Not happy in the episode are Mark and Kristin Haywood, the Furmans' acquaintances.

Kristin is the opposite of Tara. Not only does the mother of two sleep separately from her husband, she sleeps in every day, leaving him with the responsibility of making breakfast and getting the kids ready. And then she dislikes having to -- sigh -- clean up after them.

"Now when I have to put the clothes away again or put the dishes in the dishwasher, I just get angry because it's just assumed Mom will do this," Kristin pouts. "I get resentful because I just shouldn't have to do it." And because it interrupts her nap time.

Is the problem that Kristin isn't submissive? Or just that Kristin -- who does not appear to have an outside job -- is a sour, slothful slug?

Still, Kristin manages to get out of bed and seek assistance from Tara on submissiveness. She begins by cleaning some of their filthy house and doing a molehill's worth of the family's mountain of laundry ... before taking a nap.

But soon, with Tara's coaching, Kristin is waking up early, cleaning house, being affectionate and cooking. And Mark's coming home with flowers and taking her on romantic getaways.

"Being a submissive wife is really working for my family. I feel less stressed than I have in a very long time," Kristin says, with us wondering how she was so stressed when all she did was sleep. "We're happy, my husband's happy and that's all that matters."

And that is all that matters. Even if we'd still prefer to substitute a different "S-word" -- any other "S-word." Like sweet, superior, superb, splendid or spectacular.

Submit an email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood.

Style on 05/26/2015

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