Q My ex and I share equal custody of our two children -- a week with me and a week with him. The courts require us to use email as our only source of communication. For some time I have suspected it was his new wife at the other end of the email -- not my ex -- but now she doesn't even try to hide it and signs her name. Why must I now conform to her new set of rules? In your rules of ex-etiquette you say that "Parents make the rules and bonusparents uphold them." What am I missing? This isn't good ex-etiquette, is it?
A The rule to which you refer is Ex-etiquette rule No. 4, "Parents make the rules, bonusparents uphold them." Technically, that means you and Dad set the limits, and Dad's wife supports what you put in place. Ironically, rule No. 4 is the only rule of the 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette that carries a disclaimer. The disclaimer lies in the necessity to coordinate efforts with bonusparents who also have children of their own and are trying to juggle their rules and your rules.
If you are quoting the Rules of Good Ex-etiquette, you already understand in principle that you may have to negotiate in good faith with your child's other parent and possibly coordinate efforts with his new partner. So it must be the principle of the thing -- you're angry you have to deal with her at all. Most everyone gets that, but it's not very productive.
Why? Because your kids live with her for a week at a time. If you don't want the kids to crash and burn every time they go back and forth, "Look for the compromise" (Ex-etiquette rule No. 10). All of you. It's not about you. It's not about her. It's not about Dad. It's about the kids. They're innocent bystanders to the drama that is your breakup. Do whatever you have to do to "Put them first" (Ex-etiquette rule No. 1).
I suspect "Looking for the compromise" is quite a different approach to problem solving from what you've used in the past. Court orders that require email interaction are for parents who argue incessantly. Email is written proof, should a judge need to intercede. If you're required to use email, your ex's new wife is not the problem. She may be an irritant. She may overstep her bounds and push your buttons, but you and Dad have had this communication problem long before she came into the picture.
All of you must change your approach to problem solving.
You can start by asking his opinion (Ex-etiquette rule No. 2) and being respectful when negotiating (Ex-etiquette rule No. 9).
He can start by setting clear limits as to how much his wife intercedes (Ex-etiquette rule No. 4). Writing his own emails will certainly help.
"She" can positively contribute by being more observant. There will be times when her input will be welcome, and times when it will not. She must find the "wisdom to know the difference."
That's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 11/18/2015