They say there is no such thing as a stupid question.
They have never worked for the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line.
Butterball, as in turkey. The company has offered its helpline for more than three decades. According to butterball.com: "It all began in 1981 when six home economists worked the phones that holiday season to answer 11,000 turkey-cooking questions. Since then the Turkey Talk-Line has grown in both the number of calls answered and experts responding."
Now some 50 experts answer more than 100,000 questions from Americans and Canadians November through December.
And some of those questions, according to a list we found on Yahoo.com, are real turkeys. We provide Butterball's answers and then our own answers.
Q: So I'm looking at a turkey from 1969 sitting here in my father's freezer ... any tips on the best way to cook a 30-year-old bird?
Butterball's answer: Yes -- don't. Toss it and get a new one.
Our answer: That's one way to go cold turkey!
Q: How do I roast my turkey so it gets golden brown tan lines -- in the shape of a turkey bikini?
Butterball's answer: Strategically placed aluminum foil.
Our answer: Um, you should be calling another hotline. Sicko.
Q: For the sake of delicious smells, can I cook the turkey over the course of four days?
Butterball's answer: No, that's dangerous.
Our answer: If the smell is all you're after, Yankee Candle years ago made limited-edition Turkey & Stuffing candles that can still be found on sites like eBay.com. Enjoy with a Cranberry Chutney candle and follow that up with a Pumpkin Pie candle for dessert. But if you think keeping an oven on for days at a time is a good idea, you shouldn't be trusted with matches.
Q: I carved my turkey with a chain saw ... is the chain grease going to adversely affect my turkey?
Butterball's answer: Yes. Let a turkey rest and then carve with a kitchen knife.
Our answer: Not for you, Leatherface. Eat up. Happy Thanksgiving to you in Texas.
Q: Why does my turkey have no breast meat? [It was upside down.]
Butterball's answer: Place turkey breast side up on a flat rack in a shallow roasting pan.
Our answer: Consider a padded undergarment. If that doesn't work, perhaps try implants and maybe a lift.
Q: How do you carve a turkey when all of its bones have been broken [so it fits in a smaller pan]?
Butterball's answer: If you can't use a larger pan, try using smaller turkeys.
Our answer: Ultimate Fighting Championship's Holly Holm, haven't you brutalized Ronda Rousey enough this month?
Q: How do I get my turkey to stop sudsing? Is a soapy turkey recoverable?
Butterball's answer: No soaking or soaping recommended: Drain juices and pat dry with clean paper towels.
Our answer: Perhaps. If you keep rinsing it until next Thanksgiving. And if the soap is lemon-scented and you follow with a rosemary soap. Lemon-herb turkey is delish!
Q: It's my first Thanksgiving and I have a tiny apartment-size oven ... how much will my turkey expand when cooking?
Butterball's answer: Not at all. Just use a pan big enough to contain juices.
Our answer: Food that plumps when you cook it? Perhaps you are thinking of Ball Park franks? They have a turkey version. Stick with those instead!
Having turkey trouble? Call 1-800-BUTTERBALL -- (800) 288-8372 -- or get live chat help (and see helpful instructional videos) at butterball.com.
Talk turkey, email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at popular culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 11/22/2015