Q Every so often Facebook sends me a suggestion for "friends" -- "People you might know." I saw my stepdaughter's name and visited her page. It's filled with pictures of the family, my husband included, but none of me. I reached out and asked to be a friend -- thinking I could keep up on Facebook. This was a week ago. I saw her yesterday and asked if she got the request. She said she didn't know -- a good answer being that a "no" would be a lie, and a "yes" would be an insult. How should I handle this? I don't feel welcome as a member of the family, and now I don't want to go to family events.
A Becoming a member of a bonus family doesn't happen overnight. It takes time -- more time, it seems, if the "kids" are adults. Plus, there are lots of components that play into acceptance, from how long Mom and Dad were married to how the break-up was initiated. Was there an affair, for example? If not, was sufficient time taken to integrate you into the fold, or did you just appear one day? The transition from Mom and Dad being a couple, to Mom and Dad being single, to Mom and Dad being with someone else, is far more difficult for the "kids" to accept than many anticipate. Without the proper preparation it will take "the kids" longer to accept you as a family member.
But that isn't really the gist of your problem. You feel left out and you think your bonus daughter is not accepting your friend request on purpose. I agree. It does sound like she's avoiding the issue, and that means you have some more work to do. Start by using Ex-etiquette rule No. 7, "Use empathy when problem solving." Put yourself in her shoes. (I have found that it is far more difficult for a 30-year-old to deal with their parents' break-up than very young children. They've been around longer and miss the way things used to be. Plus, they have all sorts of betrayal and acceptance issues.) If she includes you, she may be afraid that will hurt her mother -- or she could still be holding on to her old concept of "family." Looking at it like that, the issue is far more complicated than a mere Facebook friend request, but her acceptance of her parents' break-up. She may think you are the greatest, but is only at the beginning of the journey toward her final acceptance of you into the family.
All this boils down to, "Don't bail yet." Ex-etiquette rule No. 5 is "Don't be spiteful." If you stop going to family get-togethers you're writing your own epitaph. Sure, it's difficult, but it's difficult for everyone. Talk about it. Not from a "poor me" place, but from a "this is difficult for everyone" place and "I'm so grateful to be part of this family." Listen more than talk. Be a role model -- and I'm not going to let your husband off the hook, either. He should be supporting your presence in the family by demonstrating respect. That's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 10/07/2015