SPIN CYCLE

No penalty in inflated response

Miss Georgia Betty Cantrell was crowned Miss America 2016, despite fumbling a question about New England Patriot Tom Brady.
Miss Georgia Betty Cantrell was crowned Miss America 2016, despite fumbling a question about New England Patriot Tom Brady.

The lyrics crooned by longtime Miss America pageant host Bert Parks might need to be tweaked.

"There she is ... Miss anti-America!"

Or so it seems with Miss Georgia Betty "Vigilante" Cantrell, who was crowned, sashed and awarded a $50,000 scholarship as the 95th Miss America last Sunday night.

Don't let the cute name, soft curls, operatic voice and Vaseline teeth fool you. This Georgia peach might rock a hot-pink bikini and embody elegance in a tasteful two-piece, mermaid-skirted white evening gown. But Cantrell is one mean mama jama.

That was made clear when, during the pageant's Q&A portion, she was asked by pageant judge/country singer Brett Eldredge about a current well-publicized scandal.

Question: "New England quarterback Tom Brady was suspended for his part in the so-called Deflategate scandal. Legalities aside, did Tom Brady cheat?"

That's when Cantrell, who had minutes before delivered a potent performance of "Tu, Tu Piccolo Iddio" from Madame Butterfly -- which far surpassed last year's Miss America Kira Kazantsev's seated red Solo cup percussion number -- suddenly became hard of hearing and asked for Eldredge to repeat his perfectly clear question.

"Did he cheat?" Cantrell asked, stalling more before answering. Now the question had been asked a third time.

She continued, still stalling, "That's a really good question." Oh, enough about the question! Bring it already, Betty!

After all that she said, "I'm not sure."

Realizing that she sounded indecisive, she tried for inquisitive, "I think I'd have to be there to see the ball and to feel it to make sure if it was deflated or not deflated."

Then, feeling her own hopes for the crown deflating, an emboldened Cantrell blurted out: "But if there was any question there then yes, I think he cheated."

Seriously? Cantrell dragged her stiletto-wearing feet all this time and still couldn't come up with something more coherent? Or at least more constitutional? I realize she's a music major with Broadway ambitions, but didn't the two Macon, Ga., institutions of higher learning she has attended -- Wesleyan College and Mercer University -- require any entry-level American government courses? And Miss America doesn't expect its contestants to grasp basic civics? (Apparently not. Second runner-up Miss Colorado thought talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, who is very much alive, should be the woman to appear on the $10 bill, when that woman must be dead.)

But maybe we didn't understand her answer. We'll let her finish.

Cantrell: "If there was any question to be had, I think that he definitely cheated and he should have been suspended for that. That's not fair."

What's fair to Cantrell is guilty until proven innocent. If there's any uncertainty about someone's behavior, well, off with their felonious heads! It's the American way. Or at least the new Miss America way!

Cantrell, attempting to clarify her remarks after the pageant, said, "It was kind of a funky question to ask me if Tom Brady cheated. I'm not a football player and I really wasn't there to feel that ball. If there was any question as to whether or not he cheated and somebody else felt the ball and decided that it was deflated, then yes, I guess he did cheat."

So she apparently does not want football player Brady beheaded over a deflated football.

She wants Eldredge beheaded over a funky question, even though she first said, "That's a really good question!"

Perhaps former Miss America Kazantsev could lend us her talent cup. We sure could use a drink after this.

There it is, my email box:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture.

Style on 09/20/2015

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