BENTONVILLE -- After a visit to Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art, which recently celebrated its 2 million visitor milestone, one thing became crystal clear.
You just can't take uncultured me anywhere.
I'm embarrassed to admit this was -- blush -- my first visit to the world-class museum that as of Nov. 11 (remember, it opened 11/11/11?) will have been open four whole years. I kept meaning to go and mingle with Georgia O'Keeffe and Jackson Pollock, but there was always something on my schedule, like stores to shop and Bravo shows to binge-watch. But I finally made it. Well, after a football game -- the real reason for the northwest trip.
Still, I was excited to see the temporary exhibitions and admire the bold pop art -- the soup cans and Marilyn Monroe and such -- of Andy Warhol. Oh, my bad, the "Warhol's Nature" exhibit is about, well, nature (so I was tickled to find a portrait of dolled-up Dolly Parton in there!).
And I couldn't wait to see the Jamie Wyeth exhibit next door. How I've always loved his wistful painting Christina's World. Oops, that was his father, Andrew Wyeth.
Strike one.
Fine; perhaps the museum experience I looked most forward to after brunch at Eleven at Crystal Bridges was a stop by the Museum Store. I brought my extra-large purse -- model name: Neverfull -- just in case I just had to buy a few things.
I'd regret the purse decision as we studied the Warhol exhibit. From a safe distance, I admired and took phone photos of the vivid screen prints of animals, like a panda and bighorn ram, that make up his Endangered Species series. But apparently that distance was not safe enough.
"Ma'am!" I heard a guard say, which is always the worst thing a guard can say.
Flustered, I began justifying my behavior before she could accuse me of anything: "I"m not using a flash; only flash photography is prohibited, right?"
"It's your bag," she said, and her terse expression indicated she wasn't going to be complimenting it. Perhaps she was concerned I could steal a multimillion-dollar masterpiece in my big bag. It is the never-full Neverfull, after all.
It turns out she was concerned about the bag's size, but for a different reason.
"Please be careful with the bag that you don't bump into the artwork," she said to me, when I was nowhere near the artwork.
Strike two.
We continued exploring the exhibit and came to a bench where a bunch of people were gathered and looking at a screen with nothing on it. Surely a film was going to be starting soon. It would give me a chance to learn a bit more about the artist and, best of all, put my big bag down for a bit.
But then nothing appeared on the screen. And still nothing.
I walked over to a different guard, lugging my big purse, and asked, "Do you know when the next movie will begin?"
She looked at me with pity.
"That's the art," she said, as I finally noticed a slight difference in the screen colors. She explained that it was something to do with the progression of the sun. But I didn't hear her. I just wanted to pull my giant bag over my head and flee.
Strike three.
You can't take uncultured me anywhere.
Even to the Museum Store. Our big purchase from the store selling artisan home decor, fine art prints and hand-crafted jewelry? A book of humorous feline rhymes (I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats by Francesco Marciuliano).
I'll return again, but someday far in the future when my graceless gaffes are long forgotten and have become water under the Crystal Bridges.
And when I find a smaller purse.
The exhibits "Warhol's Nature" and "Jamie Wyeth" will be up through Oct. 5. Exhibit admission is $8 to see both (free for children ages 18 and younger and for members); general museum admission is free. The museum is at 600 Museum Way, Bentonville; call (479) 418-5700 or visit crystalbridges.org. Gallery hours are 11 a.m.-6 p.m. Monday and Thursday, 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Wednesday and Friday and 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Saturday and Sunday (closed Tuesday).
Spin Cycle is a weekly smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (b98.com) from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 09/27/2015