DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: When my dear friend "Laura" was recently diagnosed with a serious illness, mutual friends of ours offered Laura and her husband their vacation houseboat (a houseboat these friends normally rent out) for a long weekend. It was a lovely gesture, and Laura and her husband asked my husband and me to join them. When our other friends found out, though, they were angry and said my husband and I would have to pay $200 per night. I was flabbergasted. What do you think?
-- Virginia
DEAR VIRGINIA: We think the owners offered your sick friend the use of their houseboat for the weekend, not just one of its bedrooms. So for them to demand that her guests pay rent is, at the very least, shabby.
That said, Laura should have asked the owners for permission to invite another couple before speaking to you and your husband. Because while it was wrong for these folks to demand rent, it would have been perfectly within bounds for them to say they preferred to have only one couple use their boat. It is, after all, their property, and they're entitled to decide who stays on it.
DEAR JEANNE & LEONARD: All my life, my now-elderly father has expected me to do everything for him and my brother, including pick up my brother's tabs. Dad's mantra is "Helping one another is what family does." But in our family, help is a one-way street. Here's a typical situation: When I was about to go to the pharmacy for my father recently, he insisted I call my brother and see if he needed anything. So I did, and my brother asked me to pick up what turned out to be $30 worth of supplies. When I returned to Dad's place with them, Dad gave me 10 bucks toward my brother's tab, but insisted I cover the rest. So you know, I'm not rich or awash in free time, and my brother isn't poor or especially busy. Still, this stuff happens all the time, and I'm resentful -- especially since my brother and my father also expect me to do all the heavy lifting for Dad, like driving him to the doctor and paying his bills. What should I do? Dad is 88 and unlikely to change.
-- T.M.
DEAR T.M.: It may be too late for your father to change, but it's not too late for you to. On the contrary, it's time to start saying "no" to unreasonable requests, and to stand your ground when you do so. And when you do, don't feel guilty.
Families often designate one child "the sensitive one," another "the needy one" and so on. These labels -- which often are wrong, unfair or both -- can stick for lifetimes, much to the disadvantage of "the dutiful son." But just as parents say "no" to a demanding child, you can and should say "no" to your father and brother. It's your only way to break free of the role of family pushover.
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Family on 04/27/2016