I had a conversation with a friend the other day about how when you reach a certain age you become less willing to do things you don't want to do.
Maybe it's just "get off my lawn" crotchetiness or, more likely, a growing awareness that you only have so much time left and don't want to waste it.
That got me to thinking of the things that I'm fairly certain that I will never do (or will at least try to avoid doing) from here on out; an inverse "bucket list" of sorts:
• Be on Facebook or Twitter--because I have no desire to tell people what I had for lunch, or hear about what they had.
There is something peculiar, and disquieting, about the creation of electronic communities with so little reticence or sense of embarrassment or privacy.
I've also become convinced that the social media/Twitter mob represents a dangerous and misleading force in democratic politics; dangerous because of its knee-jerk ferocity and thus thoughtlessness; misleading because many believe that what goes on there represents public opinion when it doesn't--normal people don't have time to hang out online and tweet goofy stuff all day long; they have jobs and families to tend to.
Mobs are always bad, enraged Twitter mobs composed of ignorant pajama boys and girls no less so. A healthy life is one that ignores it all.
• Go to any movies featuring comic-book superheroes--If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So Netflix the first Superman with Christopher Reeve and Gene Hackman or the first Batman with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson and call it a day.
There are too many great movies that I've never seen, and it will be a struggle to free up time to catch Apocalypse Now for the 10th time and The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly for the ninth as it is.
• Watch an entire soccer match, even if the U.S. team were in the World Cup finals--No structure, not much strategy (at least that I can detect) and no hands. That's leaving out too much.
• Lose any sleep over global warming--Because it's still just an intriguing theory in search of evidence and a viable methodology for acquiring it.
• Join AARP--Maybe because I was a bit taken aback when they they started sending me stuff before I turned 40. Or that behind its innocuous façade and all those benefits is a pernicious lobby organization dedicated to obstructing entitlement reform and sticking it to future generations.
• Give up "real" books. Nothing against Kindle (last time I looked, I had several hundred titles on mine) but it doesn't compare to holding a book in your hand and turning the pages.
And because one of the most delightful things in life is happening upon a good used-book store.
• Pay any attention to the Olympics--Let's play word association here. Jingoistic. Corrupt. Archaic. So why bother?
• Give up cigars, single-malt scotch, Beefeater martinis, or bacon and eggs for breakfast. Quality of life matters as much as longevity.
George Burns should be a role model for all of us.
• Get a tattoo--Because there are already way too many people out there on the wrong end of the teeth-to-tattoo ratio.
• Become a vegetarian--I sympathize with their cause, but the sizzle that a thick New York strip makes when you plop it onto the grill might be the most sublime sound I know.
• Learn what most of the apps on my cell phone do--I'm just not that interested; making and getting phone calls, checking email, and sending an occasional text is enough.
I'm already more connected than I want to be and one of the more grotesque sights of modernity is young people unable to get through a meal or conversation (let alone a book) without playing with their cell phones.
• Golf from the "gold" tees--I have friends that do, and that's fine, but I actually like the idea of going in the opposite direction--moving back to the blue or even black when I turn 65. Just out of sheer cussedness.
And that way I'll also always have an excuse for my terrible scores.
• Buy things that say "some assembly required" on the box--Because it is highly likely to ruin my afternoon and cause me to throw things at the wall.
And I won't get it right in the end anyway.
• Go to church on Wednesday--Shortly after moving to Arkansas, I asked my fellow Little League coaches why there were no practice slots on the board for Wednesday nights.
From the looks I got, you'd have thought I was Old Scratch himself.
• Live in a place where people know how to drive in the snow. I spent my childhood dreaming about escaping from Chicago-area winters. It took 30 or so years, but I eventually made it.
Anyone who says that they like "the seasons" hasn't spent the one between December and March in Sheboygan.
• Vote for Hillary Clinton or The Donald--because there are some things you really don't want to have to try to explain to the grandkids.
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Freelance columnist Bradley R. Gitz, who lives and teaches in Batesville, received his Ph.D. in political science from the University of Illinois.
Editorial on 08/08/2016