Up to this point in my life, I've been fond of all kinds of chips.
Tortilla. Chocolate. That old cops show starring Erik Estrada.
But now another chip is chipping away at the spirit of myself and millions of American consumers: the credit card chip.
We never asked for this. We were perfectly content with our easy-to-counterfeit magnetic-strip cards, good for a quickie swipe at the checkout. Sure, our identities got stolen every once in a while. But we'd cope with the inconvenience and then we'd carry on with our newly issued cards, good for quickie swipes at the checkout. Everyone knew the drill and what to expect.
Now everything has changed and no shopper can play her cards right.
Ever since chip-enabled EMV (Europay, Mastercard and Visa) cards were forced upon us (Oct. 1, 2015, was the deadline to convert, although many retailers missed it), we've had a bit of a chip on our shoulder about the encrypted and supposedly safer cards that other countries have been using for years.
Perhaps the technology is more secure, but using the chip-enabled cards has made us very insecure.
Months later, we still never know what to do when we approach a cashier.
Insert the new card? ("It's not working; you'll need to swipe.") Swipe it? ("It takes the chip; you have to insert the card.") Whichever we attempt will be wrong, to the chagrin of the salesperson tasked with schooling stumped shoppers.
And if we guess correctly to insert our chip cards, there's no congratulations, just more correction.
We won't insert it properly. ("You need to push it in more. More. More. A little more.")
We still won't -- even after all that coaching -- insert it properly. ("It's got to go all the way in!")
We still won't be able to resist the urge to swipe. ("It needs to stay in the machine ma'am." "Please take your card out of your wallet and try again.")
And we will never be able to keep the card in long enough for the transaction to go through because it takes forever. ("It's not done yet." "Put it back in the machine -- push it in more -- and don't take it out until it says 'Remove card.' Or until the presidential election ... the one in 2020.")
But even if we manage to guess correctly, insert the card properly (it almost takes a sledgehammer) and wait until it's finished (go to medical school, graduate and come back and wait a few more minutes), there is still no applause. There's just -- ack! -- alarm.
"WHOOOOP! WHOOOOP! WHOOOOP! WHOOOOP!
"What in the world is that deafening racket?" we holler at the sales associate, covering our ears. It's a zombie outbreak! It's an alien invasion! It's a DEFCON 1 doomsday disaster! We drop to the ground and take cover.
Whew, it turns out, it's nothing terminal. It's just the credit card terminal. Our chip-enabled card is finally -- finally! -- ready to be removed. For something that is supposed to provide more safety, why are these new high-tech cards so dang scary?
After all that commotion with our chips, we are now free to go home and stress-eat our potato chips.
Make that pretzels. We've had more than enough chips for one day.
Be chipper and email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 08/14/2016