Dear Abby: My best friend, “Kate,” approached me on a matter I’m uncomfortable with. For the last 12 years we have laughed, cried, consulted on everything we struggle with and shared our joys. Kate has a great marriage. I’m struggling with the decision to remain in mine.
Recently, Kate, her husband and I were on an outing when they mentioned a menage a trois. It was obvious to me that they have done this before. Kate has been my closest friend for years, but I realize now there’s a side to her I never knew.
My resistance to their suggestion seems to have had no effect on her, yet I’m wrestling with my feelings. I’m trying to ignore this and maintain the friendship we had before, but it has been difficult. I wish I had never known, but now that I do, I need help sorting it out. — Missing my best friend
Dear Missing: How do you feel about the concept of open marriage? Do you approve? Disapprove? When Kate invited you into her marriage — which is what she and her husband did — the dynamic of your longtime friendship was changed. If you still felt the same about her, you wouldn’t be writing to me.
If you can get past this, you can still be friends. But on some level your relationship will never be as it was before she crossed that boundary.
Dear Abby: I recently moved in with “Tim,” a man I have been dating for more than a year. We’re very much in love and plan to be married one day. My problem is he keeps getting phone calls from old girlfriends. This morning someone called, but hung up when I picked up the phone.
Now I’m afraid perhaps we acted too soon in moving in together.
Tim has always remained friends with all of his girlfriends after their relationships ended, saying they are nothing more than friends now. I think he should have finalized his previous romances before I moved in, and should take the initiative and ask them to respect our relationship by not calling.
How can I handle this without giving him an ultimatum? — Upset in Seattle
Dear Upset: If, after one hang-up, you are questioning Tim’s commitment to you, you’re being unfair. It’s possible the hang-up was a wrong number or a telemarketing call, and nothing more.
Ask yourself what it is about a hang-up on the telephone that has made you feel so vulnerable.
Relax! And remember the person he invited to share the nest and build a future with was YOU.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit
www.DearAbby.com