What's in a Dame

Holiday to-do list too big? Let it go!

As I write this, it's Dec. 1 even though the column runs Dec. 6.

So much for living in the moment. With this job, I'm perpetually living at least five days ahead. And now December feels over before it has even started.

It's time to accept that most things on my holiday to-do list will not get done. Therefore, it's time to start a to-don't list. Here is what I will not be doing this December:

  1. I will not look up the calories of that delicious iced mitten shortbread cookie from Panera Bread I just devoured.

  2. You're kidding me, 430 calories? Fine, so I looked. But I won't obsess about it.

  3. I will not binge-watch or binge-wail through This Is Us. I have no interest in sniveling through NBC's sob-fest of a drama that has everyone proclaiming, "But it's so GOOD!" while ugly-crying and blowing noses. I have neither the time, nor the tissues.

  4. I will not make excuses for things I don't want to do. This holiday, I'm just going to say "I can't," or "Unfortunately, I won't make it," or "No," like a grown woman.

  5. Well, I'll text that "No" like a grown woman. And apologize 80 times. With heart emojis.

  6. I will not watch thw Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas special. Every year I watch it, and every year I forget that I loathe it. That annoying aspiring dentist elf? The scary abominable snowman? I'd rather have my teeth pulled like the Yeti than see it again.

  7. I will not fret about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. I'm going to trust that even after her Paris robbery at gunpoint and after his recent mental breakdown that everything will be OK.

  8. Everything will be OK ... except the annual Kardashain Kard! It's just not Kristmas without seasonal greetings from our favorite reality family. Eh, they'll just Photoshop their Kin in like they do every year.

  9. I will not get caught in an endless A Christmas Story marathon web. I won't watch. OK, I'll watch it up until Flick's tongue freezes to the pole. OK, up until the bunny suit. OK, up until they sing "Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra" at the Chinese restaurant. Then it starts all over again, and suddenly I'm like Flick's tongue, "Stuck ... stuck ... STUCK!"

  10. I will not attempt to comprehend Rogue One: A Star Wars Story that I'll inevitably be dragged to sometime after its Dec. 16 release. I've never understood the conflicts between the characters and the spacecraft, and the order of the various prequels and sequels. This one apparently takes place between Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith and the original Star Wars, which, even though it was first, is subtitled Episode IV -- A New Hope. So shouldn't this be Rogue Episode III 1/2? Don't tell me. I got so confused that I completely forgot I don't care.

  11. Really, more than 400 calories? In one stupid cookie? And that's on top of the sandwich I ate. And the chips.

  12. I will not attend an ugly Christmas sweater party. Such festivities used to be novel, and it was fun trying to find a truly hideous herald angel cardigan from a thrift store for a song. But now everyone sells them. And I do mean everyone. Even View co-host Whoopi Goldberg, who is apparently now a clothing designer, has a line of cotton/wool/acrylic/polyester/nylon/viscose/alpaca sweaters that sell for $139 (!) at Lord & Taylor. The really ugly thing now when it comes to modern ugly Christmas sweaters is the resulting credit card statement.

  13. I will not send Christmas cards.

  14. And I won't feel guilty about not sending them.

  15. And to ensure I won't feel guilty about this, I'll throw away the Christmas correspondence that is sent to me. Heck, we already know what our family, our friends and our friends' families have done all year -- we witnessed their every breath, meal and move on Facebook.

  16. Maybe I do feel a little guilty. I won't throw away the cards -- especially the lengthy photocopied letters -- that are sent to me. I will recycle them.

  17. I will not succumb to the "Carol of the Bell" and eat any new Taco Bell Cheetos Crunchwrap Sliders. But only because they're exclusively available in the Philippines, which is kind of far for a 1 a.m. drive-through after-party.

  18. I will not purchase another Star Shower unit, after one of the two laser lights -- which I just had to have last year -- tuckered out. In fact I'll never buy one as-seen-on-TV product again. I'm sure as holly not going to buy one of those Tree Dazzler Deluxe Christmas Tree Lights -- a ring with vertical strands of bulbs that you hang over the top of a tree. Even if it does look easy. And even if it offers solid colors and alternating colors and -- oooh -- 16 dancing light shows! It's just $39.99, plus shipping!

  19. I said I'd never buy one infomercial product. I never said I wouldn't buy three to stack "for even more dramatic effects!"

  20. I will not continue to think about the 430-calorie mitten (the one that I'm not obsessing about). And the fact that I really wanted the whole pair.

Be a sharp cookie, email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.

Style on 12/06/2016

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