Q My ex-husband's new girlfriend has told our daughters that she is going to have a portrait taken of her with the girls as a Christmas present for their dad. They have only been seeing each other for three months! I felt myself fuming as my daughter announced that she was going shopping this week for matching outfits for the picture. I did not say anything to my daughter (who seemed rather excited), but I feel it's way too soon for things like this. We've co-parented well over the years. What's good ex-etiquette?
A Exactly what you did -- held your tongue. You put your daughter first, not in the middle, and when you do that you're using good ex-etiquette. (Ex-etiquette rule No. 1: "Put the children first.")
It's not surprising you're upset that your ex's new girlfriend is taking such an active role in your kids' lives. Three months is not much time and it probably feels as if she's overstepping her bounds. To be blunt, she is, and what is even more infuriating is that it looks like she's using the kids to get close to Dad. Very bad ex-etiquette.
It's because of situations like this that I developed the 10 Rules of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents. For this situation, I refer you to rule No. 9: "Respect each other's turf."
This means, as infuriated as you may be, you can't control what goes on at your ex's home and that includes his new girlfriend hiring someone to take pictures of her and the kids. Granted, after only three months, having a formal portrait taken of the three of them seems inappropriate. A portrait of just the girls would be more fitting and a great present for Dad.
But the picture will be viewed at his home, as part of his life with his daughters, and offering unsolicited advice could alienate him and inhibit his desire to amicably co-parent -- which would inevitably hurt your daughters.
That said, it does sound like it's time to have a heart to heart with the girls' dad. But, if the relationship is as serious as it sounds, Dad's the one who should have initiated the conversation. When parents co-parent and the kids go back and forth between homes, it's good ex-etiquette to let the other parent know when things get serious because this new partner will be around the kids.
Truth is, this whole thing could backfire on the girlfriend and you won't have to do a thing. A picture of her and the girls could alert dad to the seriousness of her intentions and that may not be what he wants after only three months. Or, her obvious investment could solidify their commitment and you'll have a whole new set of problems.
Just remember, there's a learning curve to good co-parenting and the first step, although difficult, is learning to trust the other parent's judgment. Since you have co-parented well in the past, my vote is that Dad will make the right call.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 12/07/2016