Is the most wonderful time of the year the most horrible time to be single?
I have always enjoyed being unattached around the holidays: There's no argument about whose family I'll be visiting. There's no pressure to quantify my love for someone with the perfect gift. I get to celebrate with whomever, however I please. I have a tradition of hosting a party on Christmas Eve, and it's one of my favorite events of the year.
But I recognize that, for some singles, December can be hard. Jewelry ads and Facebook posts imply that everyone is getting engaged; relatives might pry into your love life and debate why you're single when they should be slicing the Christmas ham and minding their own business. If you're divorced, do you include your ex in your family celebrations? And by the way, who are you bringing to the company party? Your cubicle mate really wants to know.
While talking to singles and experts about their holiday traditions, I was inspired to share some of their traditions and advice. So here is my holiday survival guide, with this caveat: You will survive this season, with or without reading this. But should you need some advice, these tips might come in handy.
• When December feels like Groundhog Day: You know that feeling that time is standing still for you, while it marches on for others? It can be especially acute for singles around the holidays. Sara Eckel, author of It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single, is married now but spent plenty a holiday season heading to her parents' house, dreading that Christmas would be the same as it had been since 1983. Because she was single and preferred not to be, "there was a feeling of making no progress in a year. It really brought me down, even though I knew intellectually that it wasn't true." So she started making lists -- not of gifts she wanted but of things she had achieved in the year that was winding down, such as a short story she had sold or a big trip she had taken. These things might not come up at Christmas dinner, but she wanted to remind herself that she wasn't standing still after all.
• Not everything revolves around family: Similar to Eckel's lists, Lisa Moore, a 54-year-old psychotherapist in Florida, has single-woman holiday traditions. Every year, Moore does something for herself and something for others. "I don't have children, so I'm always looking for ways to spend money as if I had kids," Moore says. That entails giving to every Salvation Army kettle she sees and giving to local toy drives. Every year, she buys herself at least one thing she has been eyeing for a while (this year it's a Jord wooden watch). "Christmas Eve is my dedicated time every year that I plug into quiet and centered-ness." On Christmas Day, she plugs into nature. "I'll go kayaking, bicycling or hiking. I'll find somewhere outdoors, and it's always super-quiet."
• The parties: My colleague Lavanya Ramanathan has accurately dubbed the office holiday party plus-one experience as more awkward than meeting the parents. So how do you decide whether you and your significant other are ready for that? Laurie Davis, founder of online dating consultancy eFlirt Expert, says, "You don't need to be exclusive, but it should be someone you see the possibility of a future with." Davis also stresses that the point of these parties is to strengthen co-worker relationships, not romantic ones. Which might mean going solo.
• The prying relatives: What do you say when a family member inquires about when you're going to settle down already? A humorous quip -- "My dog ate my boyfriend." Or: "My boyfriend ate my dog" -- can be disarming. Or, if you go the earnest route, Davis suggests keeping it short to avoid sparking a family debate about your love life. "It's very unlikely that your grandma is asking this because she wants you to feel bad. [This question] usually comes from a place of care. ... You're in control with how this conversation goes."
• The texts from your ex: Why do exes often like to poke their heads out and say hello this time of year? If you're around your family, there might be thoughts of what your future family could be like, so "it's natural to think about those who we've spent time with in the past," Davis says. You can respond to "Happy holidays" with a simple "You, too!" But before you reach out to an ex, think about why you might feel compelled to get in touch. "What's the aim?" Davis asks. "And is it going to make you feel worse if they don't respond? Or if they don't respond the way you'd hoped." (With a "Happy holidays" and nothing else.) "If you're going to reach out to an ex this time of year, you need to expect any outcome," Davis adds.
• Creating new traditions: Washington Post contributor Jaimie Seaton, who's divorced and co-parents with her ex-husband, says the holidays are "really, really hard, especially for my children," who are 13 and 16. "They have lots of memories of great family holidays where we were all together." Now Seaton focuses on creating new traditions while still involving her ex-husband in the gift-giving. The two of them help the children buy gifts for each other, Seaton says, and often still wrap the kids' gifts together, much like they used to while married. But here's one more thing that has really changed: Seaton used to have strict rules about holiday decorations (tasteful white lights only, no tacky Christmas displays). "I was much more controlling about how we decorated inside. I wanted it to look a certain way," Seaton says. But appearances can be deceiving. "I had the perfect-looking family and the perfect-looking house, and that didn't matter," Seaton notes. So when her son suggested they put up colored lights and a blowup Santa out front, Seaton said yes. "He decorates the inside of the house and goes totally overboard," Seaton says. "If that means that you can't even think straight because there's so much Christmas stuff, that's OK. It's a new tradition. It's totally different than it used to be, and it makes him happy."
Weekend on 12/15/2016