"Practice cringing. That's the first step, Ghoulsby. Don't ever let them suspect you know what's going on or the game is up. Let 'em think your middle name is Stupidity."
"But it isn't, sir, it's Smythe."
"Perfect. Ghoulsby, you're a natural at playing dumb."
"Thank you, sir."
"Always let 'em see you sweat. When they ask you to fill out Forms 10-25A in triplicate under penalty of law, just look at them completely puzzled. Most of us are anyway. This country didn't become a gold mine for tax attorneys and CPAs without reason."
"Yes, sir."
"Nothing excites them like one more poor taxpayer at a complete loss. Give your voice all the personality of a robocall. Use the process to undermine the process, Ghoulsby. Always fall below expectations. Act dumb. Only with you it won't be an act."
"No, sir, I'll be the soul of sincerity."
"That's the spirit, Ghoulsby. Suffice it to say, at length, that your aim is to be boring as hell. Though why Hell should be boring, with all the fascinating characters they've got down there in the Lower Depths, has always escaped me."
"Yes, sir, I'll do my worst."
"Now you're talking, Ghoulsby, Delve into the intricacies of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff of the Depression years and go into the details of Hillary Rodham Clinton's emails. Tell us all about the Top 10 tax deductions of the 1950s starting with the oil depletion allowance. Or was it a tax exemption? I never can keep 'em straight."
"Yes, sir, whatever you say."
"Think of the most tedious course you were required to take in college. Fractals? Semantics? Then imitate the mumbling of your worst teachers."
"No problem, sir, I've always been a glutton for boredom."
"I believe you'll do just fine, Ghoulsby. Just remember: You can dish it out, you just can't take it."
"Sure thing. I've never been the brightest bulb in the chandelier."
"You sound like just the man I've been looking for. Remember: This isn't a game, Ghoulsby. It's a survival mechanism in this age when the bureaucrat is as absolute a ruler as Louis XIV. Just fake sincerity and you'll have passed the ultimate test."
"Got it, sir. I won't have to fake a thing."
"Attaboy, Ghoulsby. Drive 'em nuts. Crazy. Reduce 'em to mumbling incomprehensibly. Soon they'll be on their knees as they try to explain the problem to one IRS type after another back in Washington, none of whom will catch on, since they're all devoid of any sense of humor. Else they wouldn't be working for the IRS. If they can be merciless, so can we. Just remember: Forget who recruited you for this mission impossible. Let it be our little secret."
"Sure thing, sir. Consider it forgotten, whatever it was. I've always had a perfect forgettery."
"Just lump all the boring details into one sodden mass. The way Misc. Expenses covers everything on your own tax form. No need to go into detail that way."
"No problem, sir. I've never had any problem being an absolute bore. I was voted Least Likely to Succeed in my class, or rather classes, since I had to repeat them I can't remember how many times. I was considered the perfect candidate for education courses. And I never failed to be named Least Congenial, too . . . ."
"Attaway, Ghoulsby. You sound like just the foil--I mean disciple--I've been looking for."
"Thank you, sir. I've always been a slow study."
"Don't forget to let your mind, such as it is, wander aimlessly. Like a kid who'd rather be anywhere else but here."
"Sounds like me, all right."
"Perfect. A perfect candidate for my purposes."
"Thank you, sir. Very much."
"Just make it all sound as complicated as the tax tables. Remember to leave your mind alone. Let it flow on sluggishly, leaving a muddy trail behind. You can do that, can't you, Ghoulsby? Then you'll have the makings of a perfect bureaucrat of the second class. Someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of how to screw up the works in every way possible and maybe a few that aren't. I'm counting on you, Ghoulsby. Together we make the perfect team. We've no way to go but down!"
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Paul Greenberg is the Pulitzer Prize-winning editorial writer and columnist for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette.
Editorial on 02/03/2016