Q I lived with a woman for four years. Loved her more than anything, but was attracted to someone else I lived with even before her and made the mistake of going with the attraction. I ended up moving in with Ex No. 1, and have kicked myself ever since. We are still together, but have never married. I have heard through friends that Ex No. 2 is now single. Our day was always Valentine's Day, and I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to contact her to say hello and sort of test the waters. I'm afraid you are going to say that's not good ex-etiquette. Am I right?
A Of course you're right. The whole thing is questionable behavior -- and certainly bad ex-etiquette.
Ex No. 1 and Ex No. 2? And you say you have been kicking yourself since you made the decision to leave No. 2 to go with No. 1 -- but now you are considering going back to No. 2 and you think Valentine's Day is the day to test the waters. Testing the waters implies that you plan on sneaking around behind No. 1's back to see if No. 2 might be interested. Doesn't this seem like deja vu to you? You may end up kicking yourself from the other direction.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Why do I have to have someone waiting in the wings before I decide the relationship I am in is not right?
Why is it necessary to recycle the same people in my life?
What is the name of a good therapist?
If you are really concerned about good ex-etiquette, which translated means "good behavior after divorce or separation," finish one relationship, then move on to the other. When you initiate a break-up, own up when you want to leave and tell her why. It's understandable if you want to spare your soon-to-be ex pain -- or yourself humiliation -- but by being honest (ex-etiquette rule No. 8, be honest and straightforward) you've done the right thing. Looking for days like Valentine's Day or past anniversaries or birthdays as excuses to step out on someone who is committed to you is immature and unnecessary. If you want to break up, then break up. Lying and sneaking around just adds insult to injury -- and when examining a breakup after an affair, most have told me the leaving is far easier to deal with than the lying and betrayal. Good Ex-Etiquette rule No. 9 is based on respect. Respect them enough to tell the truth. Respect yourself enough to tell the truth.
Finally, if the romance associated with Valentine's Day is the catalyst to saying how you truly feel about someone, then Happy Valentine's Day! There's nothing quite as wonderful as hearing, "I love you" from someone who truly means it, particularly if they are not living with someone else and are free to say it.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 02/10/2016