Recently I took a vacay. A vacation.
What's more, I took a Fa-cay. A Facebook vacation.
It's not that I don't enjoy persistent political rantings, pokes and game requests or the oversharing of coastal portraits by clothing-coordinated so-called "friends." It's that I thought a visit to see my family should involve actually seeing them and not a phone screen.
Besides, I'd always have Pinterest!
Here's how you too can take a fulfilling Fa-cay in 31 simple steps.
Announce to your 4,000 friends -- that's including the 34 people you actually know and 22 people you kind-of like -- that you will be taking a social media break to unplug so that no one files a missing persons report when they notice: "She hasn't posted a food picture or cat video in 13 hours. Something is wrong! Very wrong!"
Wait! No one said anything about social media, entirely! This is just a Fa-cation! You reserve the right to use other communications apps if absolutely necessary.
Play one quick, absolutely necessary game of Words With Friends. Or 18.
Get bombarded with "likes" and responses to your Facebook hiatus message, which you know because you're still receiving notifications.
Go on Facebook one more time. Just because you'd hate to seem rude by not corresponding with the people who insisted on corresponding with you after you indicated you wanted no further correspondence.
Continue to get notifications. Wait, maybe these friends are just toying with you! Be strong! Don't go on Facebook!
Go on Facebook. But only to shut off notifications. After you peek at your responses one last time.
Wonder if anyone is responding now that you've turned off your notifications. But don't look at the phone!
Look at the phone. Realize this is never going to work. You have no self control, and you're going to have to fully delete the app.
Delete app from phone.
Ahem, don't you also have a tablet?
OK, fine. Delete app on iPad too. Whimper. Shake. Cry.
Breathe in. Exhale. Center self. Ahhh.
Determine, after three mere minutes of social network solitude, it's rather nice not to be in constant contact.
Text all your friends and tell them so.
Think how nice it will be not to get all that work account feedback while on this break.
Wonder how your company will possibly survive without seven whole days of your precious postings.
Oh. My. Goodness. The business could totally go under without your precious postings.
Curse yourself for avoiding that LinkedIn social networking service. It's too late. And besides, it would probably require a Facebook login anyway.
Realize that your voluntary avoidance of Facebook has another unforeseen consequence that rivals losing a job: Missing out on birthday wishes! Yes, your chosen Fa-cay happens to include the only day it's worthwhile to be on Facebook.
Notice that you are still getting notifications of personal birthday greetings ... via Facebook Messenger. Loophole! Hey, you said you were taking a Fa-cay, not a FaM-cay.
Look at three messages and feel guilty. Not really. But by the third message someone is asking for a favor, and suddenly your Facebook escape gets convenient again. Farewell, Facebook Messenger!
Enjoy doing and creating things with more free time to spare and without feeling the burden to recap them with clever words and flattering photos.
Except for your glorious homemade chicken tikka masala and naan. The world needs to see that! And so you post the pictures and punny caption ("Hot dogs and hamburgers? 'Naan' here this Fourth of July weekend!") on Instagram.
Revel in the moment and the bliss that is ignorance. Without a News Feed, there's no knowledge of personal tragedies (real or -- more likely -- imagined). There are no dismal discussions of workouts and diets. There's no peer pressure to buy (or, hey, sell!) multi-level skin serums and miracle beverages. And there are no desperate duck-lip selfies.
Maybe you do miss that last category. Especially when you get a group text alerting you that a mutual acquaintance has posted yet another goofy self-portrait.
Refuse to give in now! You're in the final stretch of Fa-cay! You can do it.
Stay off Facebook.
Have friends text you a screenshot of goofy photo instead.
Return to Facebook on designated date. Read through posts to catch up, only to realize you didn't miss anything at all.
Recognize your return was poorly timed (oh, great, coinciding with a controversial FBI decision and awful acts of violence). You should have stayed on Fa-cay for another week. Or for another lifetime.
Face up, email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 07/12/2016