Q After dating nearly two years, my fiance and I are engaged to be married this month. He has two adult bonus children from a prior marriage. He continues to be active in their lives and a great friend to his ex-wife, although she initiated the divorce five years ago. My fiance told me that his ex-wife refuses to meet me, and tonight I also learned that his bonus daughter wants to come to our wedding, even though I have not met her, either. I can't help feeling she is being sent as a "spy." What's good ex-etiquette?
A Family relationships are no longer cut and dried. Your example is proof that life goes on even after a breakup. In your case the relationships are even less conventional than most. Your fiance has cultivated a friendship with his ex and continues to be supportive of his bonus children well into adulthood.
But, I have to say, I question the ex's motives. What "friend" does not want to meet her friend's fiance? By refusing to meet you she's reaffirming her importance in your fiance's life and is allowed to dictate policy. Good ex-etiquette suggests that your fiance has to establish the proper boundaries so that his ex clearly understands where you stand in his life. If she still does not want to meet you, that "friendship" will certainly have to change.
A good rule of thumb: The friend of one becomes the friend of both after an engagement. If his ex wants to keep that relationship separate, that's a red flag.
Not establishing the proper boundaries also influences other things. For example, the guest list. Although I think it's wonderful your fiance didn't abandon the relationship with his bonus daughter after the divorce, one can only speculate as to why you haven't met her and she wasn't invited from the start. Now the answer lies with how well you and your fiance communicate with each other, and then how well you communicate your importance in each other's lives to the outside world. Before it was on him -- for this it's on both of you.
So, after all is said and done, should you invite your fiance's bonus daughter to your wedding? I think so, if you can. Although it is not good etiquette in general to invite yourself to a wedding, especially so close to the wedding date, the groundwork for all this was laid improperly from the beginning.
If this relationship with his bonus daughter is to continue, to dig in your heels now would just stir up additional drama. You have a long life ahead of you.
That said, if you still think the bonus daughter might be a "spy," you have to ask yourself what she might learn from attending that would be juicy information to pass on. Perhaps that you and her bonus dad are happy? That you looked beautiful as the bride?
Even if it's just a reason to gossip, which is very bad ex-etiquette (ex-etiquette rule No. 3: Don't badmouth), it seems like a waste of time to worry about it. The key here is simple: Your fiance and you have to get clear on what you want for your life and what you want to project to the outside world as a couple. When you do, everything else will then fall into place. If you don't, get ready for a wild ride.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 07/27/2016