Ways to tell that you're entirely too preoccupied with Pokemon Go:
• You no longer describe your party affiliation as Republican, Democrat or independent, but rather Team Valor, Team Instinct or Team Mystic. And you're really vocal about it. (Yeah! Team Mystic! Go big blue!)
• You plan to support Pikachu as a write-in presidential candidate.
• You're secretly crushing on animated hair-gelled hipster guide Professor Willow. And you hope Chris Hemsworth plays him in the inevitable movie.
• You've taken to flinging raspberries at fussy children and co-workers. Hey, it tames those monsters in the game.
• You've changed your route to work in order to maximize the number of Pokestops you pass. That is, assuming you still have a job and haven't yet quit to pursue your Pokemon Go passion full time.
• You cancel your exterminator service. What if the spray keeps Scyther, Caterpie, Pinsir and other bug-type Pokemon away?
• You no longer have anything in common with your adult friends who aren't playing. You're at Level 15. And they think you're acting 15.
• You look at your Pokedex for ideas on naming future children. Kakuna Butterfree, Goldeen Nidorina and Tangela Rapidash have such a ring to them, eh?
• Just like in real life, your bag is always full. And you accumulate way too many potions.
• You attempt to barter for real-life things with Pokemon currency. "How about 10 gold coins, five great balls, a lure and three super potions for a few gallons of gas? C'mon, man, I'm this close to catching and evolving a Bulbasaur!"
• You no longer visit the fitness center for the treadmill and free weights. You go just to pick fights with those who are bigger and scarier than you because that's what gyms are for in the game.
• You have filed no-contact orders against Rattata, Pidgey and Zubat because you are positive those persistent, omnipresent and purposeless Pokemon are stalking you.
• You've always been one to insist on proper spelling, but you still find Pokemon Go's klever karacter names -- Seel, Spearow, Krabby -- totally and kompletely kute.
• You go on maternity leave during times of Pokemon egg incubation. Then you send out birth announcements and expect presents when you hatch a Machop, a humanoid only a mother could love.
• You brag about your menagerie and its CP (Combat Powers) like parents do about their children and their ACT scores. "I'm so proud of Flareon! Its CP is 1,023! As for Dodrio, well, we're sure its 758 CP will rise when it gets its head in the game ... well, all three of its heads."
• You feel genuine concern when your cute smiley little plant Oddish evolves into a crying, slobbering weed called Gloom. At what level can you get it some antidepressants and Poketherapy?
• You spend time at night wondering if fat, pink Clefairy and fat, pink Jigglypuff like each other and planned wearing the same outfit. Or if they're bitter enemies and think, to quote the name of an E! Fashion Police segment, "B**** stole my look!" We must say, Jigglypuff wore it better.
• You have hate in your heart for Nick Johnson, the employed 28-year-old Brooklyn man who endured sleepless nights to become first in the United States to catch all 142 available characters (others have not yet been released or are only available in certain countries) in two weeks. This when you've caught only 59 in three! "She was very supportive through all this," he was quoted as saying about his girlfriend. Really, that nerd has a girlfriend?
• You book international trips to catch region-specific Pokemon available only in Europe (Mr. Mime) and Australia (Kangaskhan). Oh, and then there is that one in Asia that is most appropriately named to fit these travel plans (Farfetch'd).
Go ahead and poke fun, email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 07/31/2016