I estimate that I have spent $34 billion on makeup and beauty products in my life.
OK — that might be a slight exaggeration, but not by much.
My teenage years don’t event count. Lip Smacker Dr Pepper gloss was cheap.
The older I get, though, the more help I need to face the world, literally. I won’t go to the mailbox without makeup on.
It’s not all about vanity; I don’t want to scare the children. (I think my property-owners association actually put a clause in its bylaws that prohibits me from going in the front yard barefaced.)
My bathroom countertop, top drawer and cabinet under the sink are full of products I’ve bought in hopes that they will change my life, or turn back time a few years. Things with names like laser focus, skin renew, pore perfecting, triple-action renewal anti-wrinkle cream — I’m beyond single or double — (with sunscreen, of course) and several jars with the word “lift” on them. Some have vitamin C or zinc in them.
Sometimes I have no idea what I’m putting on my face. I also have little bottles that contain hyaluronic acid (sounds like something in a car battery) and saccharide isomerate. Will they reverse aging? Then I don’t care.
Another one I recently discovered has the word “blur” in it that I put on before my makeup. I like total-coverage foundation — no simple tinted moisturizer for me.
And lipstick is my favorite product — the brighter the better. About half of that $34 billion has been spent on lipstick. I bought some while I was on vacation in Florida and promptly returned it the next day, because it was not the color I expected. I just reached into my purse to see how many lipstick tubes I’m carrying right now — six.
It reminds me of something Dolly Parton said: “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap!”
My daughter-in-law got a mini-makeover while we were shopping. It’s easy for her because she has flawless skin. We both got makeup in a stick. The pretty salesclerk said she is “obsessed” with the product and just uses four swipes on her face, then blends it in. I need about 10 swipes.
I also have the little hand-held device with the brush that swirls off my makeup and cleans my pores. I must say, my face looks smoother when I use it. If I can take off about three layers of skin, it might be perfect.
I tear out pages in magazines for makeup ads or when there are features on beauty products and take a picture of them with my cellphone to take shopping with me. Sometimes, I do find a new product I love.
It’s fun getting free gifts with the purchase of makeup (and my husband always says, “As opposed to a gift that cost money?”). Once in a while, I discover something I love that I wouldn’t have tried.
My mother tries every product on Earth, too, so I can usually get her review on the latest ones. Thanks to her, I am now wearing bottom-lash mascara. My husband and I were watching television the other night when he did a double take. He asked, “Do you have on lower mascara?” He is more observant than most men, I must say.
It’s really ridiculous to spend so much money trying to reverse the inevitable, so I have a new idea.
I bought another jar. This one holds change, and on the outside, it has printed:
Face-lift fund.
Senior writer Tammy Keith can be reached at (501) 327-0370 or tkeith@arkansasonline.com.