Dear Otus,
The little woman and I got re-hitched at that big covenant marriage shindig at Alltel Arena on Valentine's Day 2005. But my old lady heard a disturbing rumor last week that said because of some legal mumbo jumbo, the marriage certificates became invalid once Alltel sold out to Verizon and the arena changed names. Is that so?
Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of 👉 humorous fabrication 👈 appears every Saturday.
-- Jon Boyce,
Marion
Dear Jon,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and a further pleasure to assure you that emergency steps have been taken to rectify that situation.
Word quickly spread after the topic was discussed on a local TV station. It was in a segment about covenant wedding cupcakes being inexpensive alternatives to the coming re-covenanting.
Arkansas Attorney General Leslie Rutledge says that mass covenant marriage you attended has been legally invalid since January 2009, when Verizon bought Alltel for $28.1 billion.
Blame it on the fine print.
After the sale, the 9,000 Arkansans who packed Alltel Arena on Feb. 14, 2005, and solemnly plighted their covenant troth, were notified by certified mail that they had until July 1, 2009, to make amends. That's when the signs and color scheme were changed on the arena.
Those who ignored the notification have been living in un-covenanted matrimony ever since.
Don't misunderstand. Those couples are still married in the eyes of the state, but only in the mundane, conventional, noncovenant manner. Sadly, the vows taken at Alltel Arena that day have been null and void, lo and verily, these past seven years.
And who can ever forget those vows? For the big climax, the crowd chanted in unison the message found in 2 Hezekiah 5:24: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." And 5:33: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
Readers who were around in 2005 probably recall the palpable excitement as Gov. Mike and Janet Huckabee led the recitation. It was the social event of the season as 4,500 couples joined them in a rousing commemoration of connubial contentment and devoted dedication.
Before the big event, the governor said, "In a culture where every other marriage ends in divorce, this event will challenge you to discover how to receive your spouse as a gift and rekindle the romance in your marriage."
There was a powerful lot of gift receiving, rekindling and romancing going on that Valentine's Day weekend. It was no wonder that all the downtown hotel rooms were booked.
All the couples (and couple was strictly defined as one man and one woman) were given an official "I Was There" T-shirt as they left, an "I (heart) My Spouse" bumper sticker, a $3 off coupon for their next oil change and a special covenant marriage tote bag of personal grooming products so they, too, can upgrade their ordinary, hum-drum, commonplace marriage into the shining light of domestic bliss that is shared by the Huckabees.
It's pertinent to note that Mike and Janet got married when they were only 18 in 1974. It's 42 years later and they're still hitched. That's not bad, considering Arkansas is No. 2 (13 percent) in divorces, behind only Nevada.
In addition to the other stuff, a special four-disc CD was on sale in the lobby featuring the Celebration of Marriage Choir (starring gospel singer CeCe Winans), Capitol Offense (the governor's rock band) and other musical groups.
To gain entrance, all couples had to bring a notarized copy of their marriage certificate, and women were required to provide a government-issued photo ID (driver's license, passport) to prove they had taken their husband's last name. There was no tolerance.
Officials noted that women with those grating and superciliously hyphenated surnames would be allowed in as provisionals, but they were relegated to the arena's far upper deck.
Verizon officials say an emergency makeup covenant ceremony will be held at the arena following the Aug. 13 Dolly Parton concert.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds all the promise keepers to keep those promises.
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HomeStyle on 06/18/2016