Q I have been divorced for about two years, and I share custody of my three kids: ages 8, 12 and 17. My ex has a very strong personality and I am often intimidated into silence when he's around. When we were together he was rarely home. I did everything. All of a sudden, he's "Father of the Year" with creative energy to spare and I feel overwhelmed and inadequate. So, after almost 20 years, I have decided to abandon my soccer mom role, sell the minivan and let him take over. I want to be a great mom, but I feel like I'm tripping over myself. I'm worried I'm letting the kids down, which overwhelms me even more. I don't know what to do. What's good ex-etiquette?
A You are not alone -- most of us have felt overwhelmed at some point in our recovery from a breakup.
Feeling intimidated by an ex, the feeling there has to be more (but not knowing exactly what that is), decreased desire in doing things in which you used to find pleasure -- all three of these things are classic symptoms of depression. I'm speculating of course, but it sounds like it's time to get some help from a professional.
Many of my clients get a divorce, are excited to start a new life, and then a couple of years down the road wonder why the zest just isn't there. They don't feel "depressed." The bad times have passed and they wonder, "There's nothing really that bad right now. What's wrong with me?"
What's wrong is that after going through something traumatic like a breakup, particularly if it has been after a long-term relationship, we often go day to day on overdrive just trying to feel "normal" again. It takes the body and the mind some time to reconnect and gel.
Experience from working with thousands of divorced couples tells me it takes two or three years to really feel like yourself after a serious breakup. That's the time frame you have given me, and that's why I suggest it's time for you to find yourself a good therapist and make sure depression isn't at the root of your changing priorities.
That said, even though you feel your ex's personality may be contributing to your situation, there's another way to look at it. What if you felt like this and he didn't step up? Thank goodness, under the circumstances, he has become "Father of the Year."
Although you may be skeptical of his motivation, he has to see a substantial change if you were a "soccer mom" prior to the breakup. Perhaps the reason he has become "Father of the Year" now is he knows the kids need balance and he sees you need help. It may not be what you are used to, but if that's the case, he's not the bad guy, he's the good guy.
The best co-parents realize their ex is a former marriage partner, but not a former partner in parenting. If, when one falters, the other steps up, that's the best possible world for your kids. Even though he has "a very strong personality," he's there for the kids right now. As tough as it may seem, try reframing his "Father of the Year" behavior as help, and see if your attitude doesn't change. That's good ex-etiquette.
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 06/29/2016