It's almost baseball season, which means it's time for professional baseball teams to announce changes to their concession stand menus.
Sometimes, they're good, healthy options. More often, they're enough to make even the most dedicated gourmand take a step back. Sometimes, they're just intriguing enough that many people can't wait to take a chance.
This year is no exception.
The new offerings start off tamely enough. In Cincinnati at Great American Ballpark, they've wrapped a Mettwurst sausage in bacon and added honey mustard. The Reds haven't determined a price as of yet, but they do have a name: The Flying Pig.
At Globe Life Park in Arlington, Texas, they have the chicken and doughnut skewer, 12 inches of alternating fried chicken and doughnut balls on a stick. Price tag: $12
From there, things get progressively weirder.
Globe Life, home of the Boomstick, a 2-foot-long, 1-pound all-beef hot dog topped with chili, Rico's nacho cheese, grilled onions, and jalapeño peppers on a challah hoagie roll, always has a new twist on the hot dog. Last season, it was a dog topped with puffs of cotton candy and a sugar-infused mustard in neon green. This year, fans can look forward to the Flamin' Hot Cheetos Dog, featuring Flamin' Hot Cheetos infused into a nacho cheese sauce, then drizzled on top. Price tag: $10.50
The topper, though, the Wicked Pig, a double decker Hawaiian roll stacked with pulled pork, bacon, sausage, prosciutto and ham, then doused in barbecue sauce and topped with coleslaw and pork rinds. Price tag: $27.
Moving on to Pittsburgh and PNC Park, Pirates fans can try the new Cracker Jack and Mac dog, a hot dog complete with Cracker Jacks, macaroni and cheese, jalapenos and caramel sauce. That's right. Caramel sauce. The Pirates are still calculating the calories.
Turner Field in Atlanta may top them all. In addition to the Punisher, a fried rib meat sandwich with a barbecue sauce infused with Monster energy drink and topped with bacon, served on a Braves-branded bun. Price tag: $18.
They also have the T.E.D., or The Everything Dog. The T.E.D. is a foot-long hot dog covered in french fries, nacho chips, chili, beer cheese, jalapenos, and popcorn wrapped in a pretzel bun and doused in a Coca-Cola-infused barbecue sauce, as if someone tipped over a state fair concession stand and shook it into a box. Price tag: $15.
The capper, by far, is the Burgerizza, a 20-ounce bacon cheesburger served between two pepperoni pizzas. Price tag: $26.
That sound you hear, the one that sounds like a stomach growl? That's the sound of thousands of nutritionists crying out in terror before being suddenly silenced.
Duck season
The Oregon Ducks had a heck of a basketball season, winning 31 games and claiming the Pacific-12 regular season and tournament titles before ending it Saturday with an 80-68 loss to Oklahoma in the NCAA Tournament regional finals.
One team member summed it up with what may be the maudlin season-ending quote ever.
According to Steve Mims of The Register-Guard in Eugene, Ore., senior Dwayne Benjamin had this to say after the game: "I've never felt like this before, never been this sad. Not because we lost but because we can never call this team a team again."
Somebody pass the tissues.
There's gonna be trouble
During an appearance on the Rickey Smiley Morning Show last week, actress Kim Fields, who played "Tootie" on "The Facts of Life," revealed Monday she would not return for another season of "Real Housewives of Atlanta."
Fields, who's currently appearing on "Dancing with the Stars," said, "It feels more like Brett Favre and the Jets, you know -- I'm done."
Which, of course, means she'll be back for at least two more seasons on a competing show.
Sports quiz
Oregon has won one NCAA Tournament basketball championship. When was it?
Answer
Oregon beat Ohio State 46-33 in the 1939 national championship game.
Sports on 03/28/2016