EX-ETIQUETTE

Q My kids' dad and I have been apart for about a year. I've recently met a great guy and we are planning to move in together, but my kids, ages 11 and 13, are really fighting me. I'm surprised because I am the one who was always around -- their dad worked all the time.

My ex is taking me back to court because he says it's too soon for us to move in with someone else and it appears the kids are siding with him! Will I lose my kids if I move in with my boyfriend? Can the courts stop me? What's good ex-etiquette?

A What's good ex-etiquette and what the courts can do are two completely different things. Good ex-etiquette is "good behavior after divorce or separation." Moving in with someone isn't necessarily bad behavior, but how you do it might be.

Reading between the lines, you said you're surprised that the kids are fighting you because you've always been their advocate, but you didn't say that they aren't balking about living with your new partner. That means they may be telling dad exactly what you fear, and if that's the truth, the answer may lie in using ex-etiquette rule No. 7: "Use empathy when problem solving."

That means put yourself in their shoes. Because you've always been there, it's predictable that they may not like someone else dividing your attention. Do you spend less time with them now? Does your boyfriend have kids and will they have to share a room when they didn't before? Does he respect them or ignore them? And, last but not least, you were sleeping with their dad a year ago ... is the fact that this new guy is sleeping over grossing them out? Have you addressed any of these concerns with the kids?

After a turbulent relationship, it's not uncommon to get all caught up in the newness of it all, but you have to be very careful to not forget that the kids are probably not in the same place you are. They could still be in mourning over the breakup, and the fact that you're happy and dad's not can be very difficult on them when they go back and forth between homes. As a result, they want to stay with dad. Moving too fast can also turn them against your new guy. Nothing he has done; they just aren't ready.

Finally, courts make their decisions in the best interest of the child. But, as emotionally unsettling as all this may be for your children, it's doubtful an order would be made to change custody based on the fact that your new partner moved in. Just remember, even if a judge signs off on an order, he or she doesn't know your kids. Ask yourself if this is really the right thing to do for your kids, and if it's not, don't do it. If the guy's a keeper he'll be around next year and the kids may then be more ready for a new roommate. Put the kids first. That's good ex-etiquette.

Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at

drjannblackstone@gmail.com

Family on 05/18/2016

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