Q My husband shares equal custody (of his children) with his ex, and I hate to say it, but she's a loser with a capital "L." She was just caught shoplifting and we suspect she's drinking again. Unfortunately, the kids overheard their dad and me talking about her and they've been very distant for the last couple of weeks. My husband would petition for custody, but his ex now lives with her mother and the kids love their grandma. We would hate to block the kids' time with Grandma, but we worry about their safety when Grandma is not around. What's good ex-etiquette?
A Red flag! You acknowledged the children's love for Grandma but not for Mom. She may be messing up, but that doesn't mean the children don't want to see her. If the children are not safe with her, then it would be good ex-etiquette to step in. However, don't be so presumptuous to think the children will only be affected by not seeing their grandmother.
Just because Dad petitions for primary custody doesn't mean anyone's time with the children has to completely stop. It could simply mean that for now, until Mom gets her stuff together, the parents agree that the children stay with Dad and visit Grandma when they can arrange it -- and they visit Mom when Grandma is around. Nothing has to be permanent -- and, the truth is, it shouldn't be. Even if there weren't the problems that you describe, parents must learn to make adjustments as the needs of the parents or the children change.
Truth is, I have the utmost respect for parents who can make the call to let the children stay with the other parent because they see that he is temporarily more stable. When it gets really tricky is when the parent won't return to the former parenting plan even though the other parent made all the adjustments required.
Quite a few of the 10 rules of good ex-etiquette speak to this subject. Ex-etiquette rule No. 5 is "Don't hold grudges." No. 6 is "Don't be spiteful." No. 8 is "Be honest and straightforward," and rule No. 10 is "Look for the compromise."
All of these rules offer insight into the proper way to handle this situation.
Finally, there's another important rule of good ex-etiquette that seems to have been overlooked -- No. 3: "Don't bad-mouth." It's human nature to want to vent, but if you're doing it within earshot of the children, it's sure to backfire. Children know they're half Mom and half Dad, and they'll feel as if you're personally attacking them when they hear you or Dad say something bad about Mom, even if you're right.
Help, don't hinder. That's good ex-etiquette
Jann Blackstone is the author of Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation, and the founder of Bonus Families -- bonusfamilies.com. Contact her at
drjannblackstone@gmail.com
Family on 05/25/2016