There are plenty of us around. Seniors. Geezers. Old-timers. Take your pick. But on any given day, at any given moment, there is only one who is the absolute oldest. And right now--that would be me. I am 132 years old. Sure, life expectancy in the U.S. now stands at 107 for healthy males. But come on--132? Even I am amazed.
'Bout 75 years ago, politics got pretty stinky. Not only here in the U.S. of A, but in most every country around the world. It all started to go downhill way back in 2008. Congress was as polarized as a Sears Diehard. Bickerin' and back-bitin' like a bunch of high school girls. Demagogues and bigots. Then that Trump feller got elected. After they impeached him for gettin' in bed with the Rooskies, that Clinton lady (err ... I mean woman) finally got elected when they had a do-over. Between them two, they dang near ruin't the system forever.
He lasted dang near a year. She stayed for two terms tryin' to straighten out that feller's screw-ups but then made even bigger screw-ups herself. After them nine years of FUBAR, frustrated voters stayed away from the polls in droves. Turnout for national elections dropped into the single digits. The last election held--back in 2054--less than 4 percent showed up. And you can't blame 'em either. The candidates they had to pick from were a bunch of billionaires. One of 'em was the world's first trillionaire.
That triggered the Great Uprising of 2058. It was as serious as a heart attack (my chief of staff grits his teeth every time I use that cliché). A full-blown revolution it was. Guns and shootin' in the streets and everything. After she tore down his wall, we became a nation of over a billion people. Ninety-nine percent were living under the federal poverty line. Lots of them didn't even make $100,000 a year. After the military sided with them, they simply overwhelmed the one-percenters.
Following the revolution, folks said they would never allow such lopsided elections again. In fact, elections were outlawed! Voted on it and amended the Constitution and everything. So, for the past 23 years, ever since '58, we got this whole new way of pickin' our presidents.
It's really quite simple. The folks at Social Security find the oldest person living. If the old codger can still talk halfway smart and walk (canes and walkers permitted) and has at least an eighth-grade education, then, as the oldest person living, he or she automatically gets to be president.
Ain't no token thing neither. A real president. It's been working pretty good too. Us old-timers ... we got no agenda. Our egos dried out about the same time that our libidos petered out.
Other countries seen how good it worked here, and pretty much done the same thing. Sometime around 2068 or '69, most of 'em was on board. As I recall, the United Republic of Texas was the last country to join up. One of the first things that all of the old geezer world leaders agreed on was to ship all them billionaires to Antarctica. After they found all their money in them off-shore hidey-holes it was confiscated and redistributed until just about every country was even. No more rich bastards flying around in their jets and hiding behind their fortified mansions on their private islands.
The next thing to go was the military. Since all of us old geezer presidents and prime ministers are about as aggressive as hamsters, world peace broke out everywhere.
I've been president since I turned 130. The guy before me was 138. He croaked after his fifth heart attack. He wanted to donate his organs, but the doctors couldn't find anything that still worked worth a hoot. After his state funeral (free beer, a polka band, and fireworks), the Social Security boys figured out that I was next in line and they came and got me out of the home. After I passed all the tests--stand on my own, talk good enough (that Trump feller pretty much lowered the bar), and could keep my pants dry most of the day--they give me my eighth-grade GED.
The rest, as they say, is history.
This morning I'm just sittin' here in the White House parlor. Lookin' out the window at the Capitol dome. It's pretty much vacant nowadays. Occasionally, the National Park boys allow folks to use it for special events. The circus was in town last month and they set up in there. It reminded some of us old-timers how Congress used to clown around in there.
The world ain't exactly a utopia yet, but we're workin' on it. Since I been here, I met with the president of France twice. He's got me by six years (claims it's the wine). We talked about eliminating taxes. Once I flew to Russia and had supper with President Popov. She's only 126 and thinks a little more progressive than us older guys. She wants us to eliminate income. Claims they done it a long time ago there and it's working pretty good.
Dang! I gotta go. Almost time for my nap. Big supper tonight with some folks from England or Africa or somewheres. Gotta stay awake. Last time I fell asleep before they even brung out the soup.
------------v------------
Bill Rausch is a freelance humor writer from Little Rock. Email him at williamrausch25@yahoo.com.
Editorial on 04/01/2017