Dear Otus,
What's all this hooey I hear about the Legislature considering a new state bird? What's wrong with the mockingbird?
-- Paul Putengeier,
Paragould
Dear Paul,
It was wholly a pleasure to hear from you and to commiserate in your consternation. I was also initially confounded by the mockingbird conundrum, but no longer.
The northern mockingbird (Mimus polyglottos) became the state bird in 1929, and it has been seemingly fine until recently, when protesters with tiki torches began marching nightly around the Capitol.
The state bird has become a rallying point for Arkansas' growing number of militant native ornithologists and anti-ornithophobians.
By the way, tiki torches have become de rigueur for any nighttime protest march or parade these days. Don't cut corners on quality. A set of a dozen, one-piece, 48-inch bamboo tiki torches with refillable, 6-ounce tiki-style metal oil canisters may be ordered in bulk for your group (antifa to alt-right and everything in between) from amazon.com for only $33.99 (free shipping).
The torches, which burn for approximately seven hours before needing to be refilled, will add functional charm to your protest and can be recycled for outdoor entertaining to add light, mosquito or insect control.
Why there's a problem with the mockingbird is evident. There is quite an impressive list of official Arkansas entities whose original intent was to highlight a state product or unique quality so that Arkansas is set apart from other states.
This is especially important in a poor, small state such as Arkansas, which has no large cities, not that many people and no top-level professional sports teams for which to cheer.
With a population of only 2.9 million, the entire state of Arkansas has only a few more folks than the city of Chicago. But we like it that way.
So, what makes us unique? We thought it was a big deal to produce a president, but it turns out it's not. We are one of 21 states where a future president was born (Bill Clinton, Hope). Our lone contribution ties us with 13 other states, including Hawaii (Barrack Obama, if you aren't a birther), Connecticut (George W. Bush) and Kentucky (Abraham Lincoln).
Virginia has produced eight presidents, beginning with George Washington. But the last one, Woodrow Wilson, was some time ago. Ohio has given us seven presidents and New York five, if you count Donald Trump.
But Arkansas did give the world Wal-Mart and we have the prettiest scenery between the Appalachians and the Rockies. Here are some of the items on the list of Arkansas' official things.
Nickname: Not Mississippi (formerly The Natural State, Wonder State, The Bear State, Land of Opportunity and -- before statehood -- That Swamp Between Missouri and Texas).
Motto: "Regis philbinus" -- Latin for "Brotherhood rules o'er us."
Official songs: "Arkansas (You Run Deep in Me)" by Wayland Holyfield; "Oh, Arkansas" by Terry Rose and Gary Klaff; "Ooo, Arkansas, Uh" by James "Dandy" Mangrum; "Arkansas Doe-see-doe" by James Corbitt Morris.
Beverage: Milk (2 percent low-fat milk as of 2014).
Fish: Big Mouth Billy Bass.
Flower: Apple blossom.
Insect: Honeybee.
Book: Holy Bible (both testaments, so as to include the Ten Commandments).
Gem: Diamond.
Dance: Square dance.
Historic cooking vessel: Dutch oven.
Mammal: White tail deer.
Instrument: Fiddle.
Tree: Loblolly and shortleaf pine.
Rock: Bauxite.
Fruit and vegetable: South Arkansas vine ripe pink tomato.
In a state where the 1987 Legislature found a way to count the tomato (a fruit) as a fruit and a vegetable, you'd think they might compromise on ketchup and be truly unique.
The tiki protesters point out our state bird -- the mean-spirited and feckless mockingbird -- is also the state bird of Florida, Texas, Tennessee, South Carolina and Mississippi.
They clamor to one-up all other states and pick the ubiquitous and noble turkey vulture (Cathartes aura) as the official state bird. It's beautiful, fearless and keeps our highways clean of road kill. It's also protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918.
It has my support.
Until next time, Kalaka reminds you that the official state nut is the pecan (pronounced pee-KAHN, not PEE-can), but state Sen. Jason Rapert, R-Conway, is looking to replace it. No. Not with himself.
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HomeStyle on 08/26/2017