So there's this new show I'm watching.
It's The Crown.
Right, so it's not new. At all. The Netflix original -- about a young Queen Elizabeth -- is 10 months old. But that's new by my streaming timetable.
There are those people who want to binge on a new series as soon as it drops. They're the ones napping right now because they stayed up all night watching the 20 (!) episodes of Disjointed (starring Kathy Bates about a woman living the high life as the owner of a cannabis dispensary), which came out Friday. Not this girl.
First, if I'm going to invest even one hour to watch a scripted series -- Netflix or network for that matter -- there are certain criteria it must meet. (Unscripted? Clearly I have no standards, as past columns about everything from Bachelor in Paradise to Married at First Sight to Sex Box have proved.)
For me to check out a show, at least three dozen people need to say "You've got to see it!" when I confess I haven't watched it yet. And then they need to press "But it's soooooo gooood!" when I don't initially sound interested enough.
It can't be too tear-jerky. This is me not watching This Is Us ever.
It can't have so many seasons, so that I'm overwhelmed before I begin. Five? It will never work for us, House of Cards and Orange Is the New Black. Seven? Sorry, Game of Thrones, it's not you, it's me. I just can't commit to that. That's not home entertainment. That's homework.
It also can't have just one season. What if I love it and it disappears forever like Barb in Stranger Things? (I did make the exception to the one-season rule with that show. Fortunately it was renewed, but sadly, Barb's character was not. Where? Is? Barb? I realize I just posed this in Tuesday's column, but I still have no answers and need closure, people!) I don't deal so well with ghosting.
True, The Crown -- the fit-for-a-queen series about 25-year-old newlywed Elizabeth leading the world-famous monarchy -- is only one season in, although a second season date recently was announced (Dec. 8 -- a merry, royal, early Christmas to us!). Still, I felt fairly secure watching. It's historical, so even without a sequel, I'd be able to piece together what eventually happened. And besides, I was convinced of its longtime plot potential. What has more juicy story lines -- abdication, adultery -- than the royal bloodline?
Even the royals can't help but like the tasteful show (unlike that E! drama The Royals, which is terrifically tacky). A source told the Daily Express the Queen herself has watched The Crown and enjoyed it, even if some depictions were "too heavily dramatized." The Queen's granddaughter, Princess Eugenie (oh please let The Crown continue through the Fergie years!), was quoted as saying, "The music is wonderful; the story is beautiful and you feel very proud to watch it."
The only problem with my streaming system is spoiler potential. Even if history can't be spoiled, episodes can be.
"That Prince Philip and his wandering eye! Can you believe he ... ?"
"Isn't John Lithgow great as Winston Churchill! That scene where he ... ?"
"What a hussy, that Princess Margaret! Have you gotten to the part where ... ?"
We're six episodes in with just four more to go, but viewing time is hard to find. Though it makes me want to tear my "heir" out, I have taken a solemn vow not to streaming-cheat on my Crown companion. And I have two jobs where I'm supposed to be current, not stuck in the early 1950s, and can't risk sleepless "knights." Doesn't anyone understand I have a coronation to attend?
I suppose resistance is "feudal."
Such is the unpleasant dilemma of a peasant!
Be a prince/princess and email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
Spin Cycle is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 08/27/2017