I recently got hosed.
Humiliated. Cheated. Defeated.
The worst part is that I did it to myself.
Back during a late July dry spell, I noticed my parched flowers were desperate for a drink one morning. I was in heels and headed to work, but still, they needed fluid and fast. I tottered around the sloped, soil-eroded side of my house to retrieve the horrid hose the previous homeowners left behind, and certainly not by accident.
After several minutes spent clomping and cursing, I got the hose un-kinked. I didn't bother messing with attachments (which never perfectly fit the hose, which never perfectly fit the spigot). I hastily opted to use the basic hose, spraying far more water on to my clothes than the coneflowers.
With the rehydration mission complete and no more time to waste, I hurriedly dragged the hose back to the side of the house, tossing it in an untidy tangle. Before turning to leave, I carefully turned the spigot all the way off.
Or so I thought.
Instead, I had carelessly turned the spigot all the way on. I'd realize this when I later -- 48 whole hours later -- went to perform the same watering ritual and found the side and back yards transformed into a swamp.
That hateful hosebeast!
I splished, splashed and squished my way to the spigot and turned it off for real this time. I was underwater -- and in more ways than one. After pumping out what would fill multiple swimming pools, my water bill would surely drown me.
After admitting to my merciful neighbor that I was responsible for the bayou between our houses and offering to have her boated to wherever she needed to be, I called the number on my previous month's water bill to find out how bad next month's bill would be, and what to do about it.
I confessed to the nice service representative what happened: "Hi, I'm a total moron who left her hose on full blast for two whole days. Is there any kind of damage control that can be done at this point? Is there some kind of idiot forgiveness fund or something?"
I was all wet, and there was nothing she could do to help except wish me luck and let me know when to expect my mid-August meter reading and next monthly bill.
For weeks, there was nothing for me to do except dread checking the mail. And Google phrases like "Left hose on two days water bill how much" and see what others had paid for similar stupidity: $500 (gulp!), $750 (gasp!), more than $1,000 (gag!). Considering that I've never paid more than $50-ish per month, I was in hot water.
Then last week it arrived. Before I noticed the amount, my eye noticed the telling Water Consumption History bar chart. Last August and most other months, I used maybe two CCFs (hundred cubic feet; one CCF equals 748 gallons). This August? I had used 22 (!) CCFS.
I saw the first digit: 1.
I saw the second digit: 7.
I saw the third digit: 4.
And then I nearly passed out. I owed $1,740?!
But then I saw the period and the cents: $174.62! That's all? Whew! I have never been more happy to pay more than three times the amount of a regular utility bill in all of my life.
I could finally take a nice long bath -- well, perhaps a short shower -- and relax about the water bill.
I looked at it one more time, thinking how it could have been so much worse, and vowing never again to be so foolish.
Wait, what does that say there? In the little box with the asterisk by it?
It seems the water company didn't think I was so foolish after all.
"*Congratulations, you received a 15 % water discount for being a water-wise customer!"
Water you waiting for? Email:
jchristman@arkansasonline.com
What's in a Dame is a weekly report from the woman 'hood. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.
Style on 08/29/2017