A popular holiday song proclaims that this is "the most wonderful time of the year," but the indulgences, pressures and expectations of the holidays can lead to significant relationship disharmony.
Most people think about a financial spending limit, but we don't always think about our budgets of time and energy. If you are one of those individuals who feels obligated to make the holidays extra special for others, you know how easy it is to begin to feel resentment when you seem to be doing most of the work while everyone else is having the fun.
The archetype of the exhausted martyr appears more often during late December than at any other time of the year. Keep in mind that while the media pushes the buying of gifts, the holiday memories most treasured over time have to do with enjoyable shared experiences and the gift of being together. People appreciate good cooking and a beautifully decorated table, but they will remember the enjoyable conversations after the dinner far longer than your culinary delights. The greatest gift you can give is your engaged presence with the people you most care about. Here are some helpful hints for avoiding those late December meltdowns and creating a memorable experience for all.
Think in terms of three bank accounts: time, energy and money. We only have so much. Early in December, take an hour or two to sit down with your significant others and talk about what kind of experiences you want to create together during this season. Examine your scripts and expectations. Talk about what has been most meaningful for each person in the past. The key is to be realistic about those three bank accounts. How could you create a wonderful, enduring memory with what you realistically have?
Once you zero in on the experiences you want to create, make a list with columns for what needs to be done, who will be responsible for doing it, and when it will be completed. If no one wants to take responsibility for making something happen, consider taking it off the list! Make sure the list feels equitable for all, so that an exhausted martyr doesn't show up on Christmas Day.
If you have kids, this is a great time to establish the concept of a "family team." Find five areas of gratitude which each of you can return to when you meet up with holiday hassles. Having that list of gratitudes is also a way of countering those all too common feelings that you are not spending enough or doing enough. Really think about your social events. Which ones will bring the greatest return on investment for the time and energy you spend attending them? Write a prepared response for kindly declining certain invitations. If you have an "inner pleaser," have a firm dialogue with this inner character, who will need to be calmed and reassured each time you disappoint someone.
Another place we encounter holiday stress is with troublesome relatives who start political arguments during holiday meals. If Uncle Fred always drinks too much, expect it. Know that Aunt Agnes will likely ask why you aren't married yet. Your sister may make snarky comments about how you parent, or your father may bemoan your disappointing career choice. Snarking back will only escalate the conflict. Practice the art of redirection. Rehearse in advance the kinds of responses you will make. Find something you legitimately appreciate about them and say so. Ask a question that will compel the speaker to pivot to another topic: "You know, I've been meaning to ask you about such and such."
If you are on your own, keep a friend on speed dial for support and excuse yourself to the bathroom. If you are coupled, plan strategies for rescuing each other from being cornered in a challenging conversation. Like, "Honey, can you help me with something over here?"
In the midst of the season, remember the physical, emotional, and spiritual replenishment of a quiet night. Schedule some down time, some cuddling by the fire time, an early to bed night, a movie and popcorn evening, or a game night. Reminisce and review the high points of the year.
Remember that the greatest gift you can give anyone is your undistracted presence. People remember experiences of shared joy and connection far beyond anything they will every find under the tree.
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Dr. Chelsea Wakefield, Ph.D., LCSW, is the director of the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences' Couples Center. She will be offering a four-session Relationship Enrichment series in February 2017. For more information, call the Couples Center at (501) 526-8100.
Editorial on 12/02/2017