Otus the Head Cat

There really is a Santa Claus, just ask the retailers

As they have for decades, parents continue to torture their small children by plopping them down in the laps of scary, hairy old geezers at the mall. This photo will come back to haunt this boy from Texas.
As they have for decades, parents continue to torture their small children by plopping them down in the laps of scary, hairy old geezers at the mall. This photo will come back to haunt this boy from Texas.

Note: It has been a Democrat-Gazette tradition each December for the past 22 years, to rerun two very special Otus columns the two weeks prior to Christmas. In that time, hundreds of readers have sent letters and emails telling how much they enjoy reading the columns and how they have saved them to read to their own children as their families grew.

The column below was actually the second written and was first printed on Dec. 16, 1995. Next week we will reprint the first special column, the beloved cautionary tale of what really happened to Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. That column won the prestigious 1982 Orion Clemens Prize for Ungulate Humor.

-- Otus

•••

Dear Otus,

My mommy and I got into a really big fight after you wrote that Santa is a real person. Mommy says you're full of beans and that Santa is really a smelly old man with a fake beard hired by the mall to sell more Christmas stuff. Who's right? Is there really a Santa Claus?

-- Ginny O'Hanlon,

Solgohachia

Yes, Ginny, there really is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as inventory and overhead and product spokesmen exist. He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand Christmas sales, nay, 10 times 10 thousand holiday specials from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of retailers everywhere.

And it all started with Nicholas, bishop of Myra in Lycia (present-day Turkey), who lived 270--343. Legend has it he was only a boy when he became bishop, but was extremely kind and often slipped out at night to leave secret presents for the needy.

This is probably how the rumor started that "he knows when you are sleeping; he knows when you're awake." Personally, I think that smells of creepy voyeurism and latent pedodontia.

Nicholas was such a beneficent soul, that after his death his fame spread throughout Europe. He was considered a saint long before formal canonization procedures were established. Dec. 6, the date of his death, was made his feast day.

St. Nicholas was so popular, that a rambunctious gaggle of Italian sailors stole half his remains in 1087 and spirited them off to the port city of Bari where a basilica was constructed to house the relics. Over time, St. Nicholas became the patron saint of sailors, archers, repentant thieves, brewers, pawnbrokers, students and, most of all, merchants.

The Netherlands made him the patron saint of children. Each Dec. 6, men in bishop's robes would pose as St. Nicholas and visit children, test them on their prayers, urge them to be good and give them gifts. Other nations thought this was a swell idea and hopped on the bandwagon.

In the Middle Ages in Germany, the kindly giver if gifts to the nice was called Weinachtsmann, and any punishment to the naughty was meted out by his servant, Knecht Ruprecht.

Sinterklaas was what the Dutch called St. Nicholas, but after the Reformation, saints were on the outs in much of Europe and the spirit of St. Nicholas took other forms. English children call him Father Christmas. In Switzerland he's Kris Kringle (from the German word Christkind, or "Christ Child") and in Germany he's Pelz Nichol ("Nicholas in Fur"). The French call him Pere Noel and in Belgium he's Ralph (pronounced "Rafe").

Santa rides a white horse in some countries, drives a horse and cart in others, or sits on a donkey. But in Scandinavia he scurries about in a sleigh drawn by his faithful reindeer. Much of our Santa myth and legend (the North Pole, elves, hot tubs) comes from Scandinavia.

In the 17th century, Dutch settlers brought a gaunt, stately Sinterklaas to New Amsterdam (New York) and English-speaking children trying to pronounce the name changed Sinterklaas to Santa Claus.

In 1809, Washington Irving pictured Santa as a typical Dutch settler: fat, jolly, with a broad hat and smoking a pipe. In 1823, uncredited poet Henry Livingston Jr. refined our modern concept of Santa in his "A Visit From St. Nicholas."

In the poem, which begins "'Twas the night before Christmas," we learn about the jolly old elf and his eight tiny reindeer: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Aventine, Esquiline, Palatine and Viminal.

St. Nicholas barely survived the 1969 Catholic calendar purge when 40 other saints were laid off. His feast day, however, was downsized from universal to optional.

Until next time, Ginny, it is because Santa is the patron saint of merchants that you have a smelly old man with a fake beard hired by the mall. His job is to let screaming kiddies sit on his lap so their parents can buy holiday photos with which to embarrass them when they're grown.

Disclaimer

Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat's award-winning column of humorous fabrication

appears every Saturday. Email:

mstorey@arkansasonline.com

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