As the year 2017 lies on its deathbed, it's perhaps a fitting time to review the somewhat lost art of epitaphs.
With more than 21,000 funeral homes in the U.S., and 10,500 cemeteries, there's no shortage of opportunities to have the final say on a tombstone. But the epitaph as part of funeral etiquette has waned in modern times.
For centuries, however, they were commonplace, and as such were also as varied as the humans they represented. Some epitaphs spoke truths, others lies. Some were profound and inspiring, others clever and witty. Some reeked of irony, many sought to invoke humor.
Sometimes epitaphs were written in advance of their demise by the deceased. Sometimes they were written by others about the decedent. In most cases, they were written to tell some story besides just the dates of birth and death.
You may have heard of some of the following epitaphs, which are succinctly noteworthy.
On an author's marker: "Finis."
Denoting a painter: "Here lies a finished artist."
On an angler: "Hook'd it."
On a photographer: "Taken from life."
For a music master: "Stephen and Time are now both even; Stephen beat Time, but now Time's beat Stephen."
In Key West, for B. Pearl Roberts, reportedly regarded among locals as a hypochondriac: "I told you I was sick." That sentiment is oft-represented, with versions including "I told you I was ill" emanating from Europe.
From Inverness in Scotland, on the tombstone of one John Cuthbert, 1711: "In death, no difference is made/Betwixt the sceptre and the spade."
Capturing the Irish nature and culture, this from an Erin Isle churchyard: "Here lies Pat Steele, That's very true: Who was he? What was he?--What's that to you?"
Epitaphs often explained the circumstances of death, sometimes sadly so: "Nineteen years a maid, Two years a wife, Nine days a mother, And then departed life."
Gunslinging in the Wild West routinely cut lives short, as evidenced by this Nevada epitaph: "Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw."
Epitaphs for celebrities and famous people abound. The following are a few favorites.
Mel Blanc, the voice of the classic Looney Tunes characters, whose epitaph is almost an audible one to read: "That's all folks."
Robert Frost's gravestone in Vermont relates a closing line from one of his many poems: "I had a lover's quarrel with the world."
Rodney Dangerfield's self-deprecating humor was his life's work trademark as a comedian, and it's no surprise it followed him in death: "There goes the neighborhood."
Countless individuals died this past year, who of course will be mourned by their families and friends, and in the case of the celebrities, by their fans. But as a larger society, we as customers also bid farewell to a smaller number of brands, products and franchise characters.
Some possible epitaphs for a few companies that encountered the Grim Reaper in 2017:
"Silenced by a poison Apple" for Doppler Labs, designer of smart earbuds, which couldn't compete with Apple's AirPods.
"NanoMore" for Apple's own once wildly popular iPod version, whose music/mpeg functionality was replaced by smartphones everywhere.
"Taken to the limit" for The Limited stores, which were all closed this year. Though the company filed for bankruptcy, the women's apparel line still markets its fashions online.
"Offline" for gamer app Raptr, an optimization networking tool that once dominated that industry.
"Returned to the dust we once made others eat" for the Dodge Viper sports car, the final production models of which rolled off the assembly line in August.
"RIP Queen of the Skies" for the fabulous 747 passenger plane, which was discontinued by U.S. airline companies. I was a youngster when Boeing unveiled the four-engine, 500-passenger marvel, which I envisioned traveling in with my toy model of the aircraft. Years later, my youthful imagination was upgraded to giddy realization when I was lucky enough to fly on a 747 for a trip to England. Thankfully, British airlines will still (for now) include 747s in their fleets, and the plane continues in production as a cargo workhorse for shippers like UPS.
"Going, going..." for RadioShack stores. The chain once numbered 5,200 locations; it's down now to 28.
On the motion picture front, audiences said goodbye to a couple of mega-movie main characters.
"Force-Full Departure" as the Star Wars saga's central figure, Luke Skywalker, gave his life in Jedi mystical fashion to save the final remnant survivors of the Resistance in The Last Jedi.
"X'd Out" for Charles Xavier, the telepathic mutant professor behind the eponymous X-Men series who perished beneath a Wolverine clone's blades.
My space limits the lengthy list of things we will miss after 2017, and there are always more epitaphs to be written.
This old Scottish gravestone offers a worthy sentiment. "Praises on tombs are vainly spent: A man's good name is his best monument."
I'll put the coffin nail in this epitaph column by paying homage to a homegrown edition for a Dr. Fred Roberts in a Brookland, Ark., cemetery: "Office Upstairs."
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Dana D. Kelley is a freelance writer from Jonesboro.
Editorial on 12/29/2017