"People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof but on the basis of what they find attractive."
-- Blaise Pascal
So said the 17th-century French mathematician and philosopher. He meant that people are more likely to form opinions based on emotions rather than evidence.
I thought of Pascal's insight as I read several excerpts from the new book, ParentSpeak: What's Wrong With How We Talk to Our Children -- and What to Say Instead (Workman Publishing Co., $14.95), by California parent educator Jennifer Lehr.
The gist of ParentSpeak is that seemingly innocuous things parents often say to children -- "Say thank you," for example -- are actually psychologically harmful. Other such apparently toxic comments include "Say you're sorry," "Give Grandma a kiss" and "Be careful!"
Lehr asserts that comments and instructions of this sort "are all about control." Rather than taking time to understand children's feelings, thoughts and motivations, parents focus on obedience. What's to understand? Children do not know what is best for them. Their feelings and thoughts, often a muddle, require as much direction as their behavior. They need adults who will take charge when taking charge is called for.
Lehr relates an incident when she instructed her 4-year-old daughter to thank a friend for having her over for a play date. Although she did eventually mumble thanks, the daughter looked "kowtowed." Lehr is convinced she caused her daughter to feel "demeaned and resentful" and to conclude that how Lehr looks to others is "more important than her (the daughter's) dignity."
How does Lehr know this? She doesn't, of course. Pascal would say that Lehr's psychoanalysis of her daughter's response to "Say thank you" is based not on evidence but rather nothing more than Lehr's own emotional state. Furthermore, it's the sort of thing that often reflects a lack of emotional boundary between parent and child, also known as co-dependency.
My mother -- definitely not the co-dependent type -- gave me similar instructions when I was a child. I don't recall feeling demeaned or resenting her for lowering my sense of personal dignity. The simple fact is that when it comes to proper manners, children require tutoring until the manners become habit. Proper manners demonstrate respect for others.
Therefore, instructing a child in proper manners is good and more accurately called direction, not control. Besides, there's nothing wrong with obedience to legitimate authority, no matter one's age.
Research finds what common sense confirms: Obedient children are happy children; disobedient children are not. In other words, obedience is of great benefit to a child. The inescapable, albeit shocking (to some) conclusion? Children should do what their parents tell them to do, including saying "thank you" and giving Grandma a kiss before she goes home.
On her website, Lehr identifies as one of her influences the "democratic, decision-making" principles of psychologist Thomas Gordon, author of Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children, published in 1970.
Yep, the professional community has been recommending this sort of hogwash for more than 45 years, during which time child mental health has gone down the tubes. Ironically, the more parents have focused on their children's feelings, the more difficulty children have had keeping their feelings under control.
John Rosemond is a family psychologist and the author of several books on rearing children. Write to him at The Leadership Parenting Institute, 1391-A E. Garrison Blvd., Gastonia, N.C. 28054; or see his website at
rosemond.com
Family on 02/01/2017