I got an email last week from a department store advertising the new bathing suits for the season.
Well, it is February.
I wanted to reply, but this is a one-way deal. The store bombards me with ads for clothing, shoes, purses, makeup and jewelry, and the only response it wants is for me to buy things.
And sometimes that works. I take the bait and shop for a little bit, or even buy. Not this time.
If I could reply, I would say, Are you crazy? It’s February, and my legs are as white as the driven snow that we’ve had once this year.
Do you not realize that my husband made Oriental crunch, oatmeal-cherry cookies, date pinwheel cookies and pumpkin cookies at Christmas, and that my dad had homemade bread, chicken and dressing, ham, mashed potatoes and cobblers? Not to mention the various candy and chocolate-covered Oreos in my stocking.
In fact, dear department store, my husband still has stashed in his closet a bag of Halloween candy, which I raid from time to time when I need a Reese’s or Kit Kat fix.
You obviously don’t realize that I am still trying to lose weight from my beach vacation in May, when our grown son, before we checked out of the condo, made us eat all the leftovers, including various flavors of ice cream and ice cream bars.
These models in the ads you sent me look to be in their 20s and don’t appear to weigh much more than that. They obviously do not have to look in the mirror and hold up the skin on the top of their legs to see their knees. Nothing has gone south on them yet.
This would be a great ad to send to Gisele Bundchen, for example, the model wife of Tom Brady, who came back to win the Super Bowl like a superhero.
I am writing this the day after the Super Bowl, and I have a food hangover. My husband made Super Bowl snacks: guacamole and chips, pigs in a blanket, cheese ball, sauteed shrimp, cheesy spinach dip, sausage balls and oatmeal-and-chocolate-chip cookies. I ate until I was in pain, and then I had three more cookies.
My older son said he read that Super Bowl Sunday is second only to Christmas in the amount of food people eat. I believe it.
My husband and I do eat well most of the time, and I buy organic. I eat a couple of pieces of heart-healthy dark chocolate every day, but I don’t eat fast food, candy bars or fried food on a regular basis. I may have something more decadent for Valentine’s Day because it would almost be a sin not to.
I go to the gym a couple of times a week, but this is still not a good time of year to be buying bathing suits. The store wasted its time emailing that to me.
However, yesterday the store sent another email; this time it was for “cold gear.”
I’ve been thinking about ordering more long underwear, so I may bite.
Senior writer Tammy Keith can be reached at (501) 327-0370 or tkeith@arkansasonline.com.