What's in a Dame?

Switch it on, watch marriages dissolve

“Experimental” spouses The Princess and The Party Boy sit together (and rather closely, we might add) for a photo publicizing FYI’s Seven Year Switch.
“Experimental” spouses The Princess and The Party Boy sit together (and rather closely, we might add) for a photo publicizing FYI’s Seven Year Switch.

FYI: I have a new TV obsession: Seven Year Switch on FYI.

(The FYI cable channel used to be Bio and before that The Biography Channel, FYI.)

In its second season (Were we asleep at the Switch? How did we miss the first season? Right, it's on FYI), Seven Year Switch is a reality show about the so-called seven-year itch that married couples experience. It takes unhappy husbands and weary wives, and you guessed by the name, switches partners.

It's not too late to catch up; all three episodes are available to binge-watch, as I did at fyi.tv/shows/seven-year-switch online. (A new episode airs on the channel tonight at 8.)

Think of it as Wife Swap meets Trading Spouses meets Married at First Sight and Temptation Island tossed into one messy trash heap. Couples are separated and then matched with an "experimental" spouse who embodies the traits lacking in their partners. They live together for two weeks in a one-bedroom (!) "experimental" dwelling (with amenities like beaches and hot tubs and plenty of alcohol nearby), wear "experimental" wedding rings and see what happens.

Will they recommit to their relationships and stay? Or will they violate their relationships and stray?

Ruining their lives ... I mean running this trial are relationship "experts" -- clinical psychologist Jessica Griffin and author Charles J. Orlando -- who attempt to justify the science behind this on-screen swinging study by regularly referring to it as -- giggle -- "switch therapy." As if it wasn't twisted enough, Switch couples are then tormented by videos of their spouses with the other men/women.

Despite warnings from friends and family ("Y'all are crazy," "I'm not sure I would do that if I was you, man," "Are they trying to help your marriage or hurt your marriage?"), four couples participate.

After all, what could possibly go wrong?

I can't keep up with all their names, so I'll borrow their one-dimensional show-assigned character tags.

The Martyr, an unappreciated woman burdened with working outside the home and doing all the housework, is coupled with The Gentle Giant, a disrespected doormat of a man who handles all the domestic chores. (Did I say doormat? I mean delight! I'll gladly use his cooking and cleaning services, I mean, cherish him if no one claims him in the end!)

Meanwhile, their self-centered, career-focused spouses, The Boss (a fitness professional) and The Driven Diva (an ER doctor with Kim Kardashian looks and shallowness), are matched.

In the other swap, selfish, overspending The Princess is matched with obnoxious, immature The Party Boy, while their long-suffering, more responsible (read: boring) spouses The Straight Arrow and The Babysitter are paired.

So far, The Martyr and The Gentle Giant are enjoying polite discussions over his home-cooked meals (and she can keep him; I no longer want him after I saw him stirring ketchup into his spaghetti sauce) and chaste hot tub dips. Their significant others, The Boss and The Driven Diva, are always working out (oh no, who will wash their sweaty clothes now?) and -- because there's no one to cook for them -- eating restaurant food.

The Straight Arrow and The Babysitter are sharing adult conversations (mostly about their juvenile spouses). Their significant others, The Princess and The Party Boy, however, are sharing lots of liquor ... and a bed, or so it was edited. Although all other "experimental" spouses have opted to sleep separately (at least so far), The Princess and The Party Boy appeared to cross that line the first night. This while there's an obvious shared physical attraction and The Party Boy admits to Griffin that he's worried he'll cheat. (But if he does, it's The Babysitter's fault for making him do this in the first place. After all, he's a big child.)

He's not the only one concerned.

"I'm gonna kill her," The Babysitter says about The Princess when confronted with a video of her being touchy-feely with her man. (Notice she doesn't blame him because, after all, he's a big child.)

She realizes: "It's kind of like [The Straight Arrow] and I, we're here by ourselves working on our marriages while our spouses are out getting drunk every day." Yep. The one who will really need a drink is The Princess after she dumps Straight Arrow and realizes Party Boy's residence -- which he shares with The Babysitter and a roommate -- is a cramped RV and not exactly fit for royalty.

Will The Babysitter murder The Princess? Will The Boss and The Diva starve? Will Straight Arrow loosen up? Will Party Boy grow up? Will The Martyr teach The Gentle Giant some new ketchup-free recipes?

We'll continue to tune in and see if things switch around for these Seven Year Switch couples.

Switch on your device and email:

jchristman@arkansasonline.com

What's in a Dame is a smirk at pop culture. You can hear Jennifer on Little Rock's KURB-FM, B98.5 (B98.com), from 5:30-9 a.m. Monday through Friday.

Style on 01/24/2017

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